Tynan.com

The Awesome Card

I’m sick of being treated like an idiot. Last weekend I rented a boat with some friends, and we were forced to sit through a 15 minute talk about boat safety. It was boring and slightly condescending, but tolerable. After the talk I asked if I’d have to listen to it again if I rented a boat next weekend. He said I would have to.

On the highway I am forced to drive at the speed limit even though I’m a better driver and have a better performing car than most people.

When I call Sprint to upgrade my service I am forced to say “no, no, no thanks, no” while they try to upsell me on ringtones and other such digital garbage.

If I ruled the world (which I, of course, plan to do some day), there would be the TDoA (Tynan’s Department of Awesomeness), which would be responsible for evaluating people’s awesomeness and handing out certification cards depending on one’s results.

Awesomeness would comprise of many factors, but the main ones would be :

  • Common sense
  • Intelligence
  • Aptitude to sue someone else for something that is one’s own fault (i.e. McDonalds for giving out hot coffee

Awesome people would have a lot of great priviledges. We’d be able to sit in the back section of the airplane and not listen to the idiotic safety demonstration.

We could swim in swimming pools after they were closed.

The plastic bags given to us wouldn’t warn us of the unnatural danger of putting our heads in them.l

Our movie times would be adjusted so that we wouldn’t have to sit through the cartoon fox telling us to turn off our cell phones.

There would be three bathrooms : Men’s, Women’s, and Awesome’s. Awesome’s can be used by men or women, since there’s no reason we can’t all get along. Also, since only Awesome people were in the Awesome bathroom, the toilets would be clean and unclogged, and there would be a minimum of misspelled erotica scratched into the stalls.

Awesome people would be allowed to run red lights if there obviously wasn’t anyone else coming and they used their blinkers properly.

Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Vote Tynan for President in 2032.

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Comments

13 responses to “The Awesome Card”

  1. Jiri Novotny Avatar
    Jiri Novotny

    And no taxes if you could put the money to a better use, right? 🙂

    Reply
  2. chrisp Avatar
    chrisp

    man, you’ve got my vote.

    Reply
  3. giggledelop Avatar
    giggledelop

    amen…. VOTE TYNAN

    Reply
  4. Catmints Avatar
    Catmints

    Hmm. As much as I love it…such things must be left in fantasy. The whole class warfare thing.

    Although I do agree that people are certainly not equal. Discrepancies in Awesomeness is a good way to put it.

    Reply
  5. Pentarix Avatar
    Pentarix

    I’m building a country, you should come run it. Have your people call my people, we’ll work something out.

    Reply
  6. LadyTea Avatar
    LadyTea

    I have flown numerous times, although I still watch the safety demonstration everytime and happily do so. What does that say about me?

    Reply
  7. evan Avatar
    evan

    i think this is a very good plan, but i worry about the governing body that would hand out these special rights. clearly being awesome myself, i want to make sure that any “awesome” guys are screened for spraying and peeping tendencies before they can come into the bathroom with me.

    also tynan, you have to learn how to spell privileges before you can be allowed to have any…
    kidding. love you. mean it.

    Reply
  8. Dan Avatar
    Dan

    Sweet idea. I know I’m awesome because I always spell my erotica correctly!

    Reply
  9. auridicyl Avatar
    auridicyl

    OOOOH! Can I apply for official state graffitist? My spelling alone would qualify me for awesomeness, but I’ve all the other bases covered as well. And my erotica is second to none! My only question is…does all erotica created (and scratched into bathroom stalls) under your administration have to be Tynan-centered? I could manage that, but it might cramp my style…

    Reply
  10. Administrator Avatar
    Administrator

    Let’s see some samples for consideration…. 🙂

    Tynan

    Reply
  11. Fen Avatar
    Fen

    “On the highway I am forced to drive at the speed limit even though I’m a better driver and have a better performing car than most people.”

    That’s exactly the kind of selfish arrogance that the speed limit is there for.

    Reply
  12. Spin Avatar
    Spin

    Yeah. Gotta watch the selfish arrogance. Regular arrogance is OK. But the selfish kind is right out!

    Reply
  13. Paul Avatar
    Paul

    You should look up the facts about the McDonald’s coffee. There is more logic behind that suit than you might think.

    Your thoughts on being a better driver than everyone else made me think of all the people on American Idol who think they sing better than everyone else.

    Reply

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