Not Being Angry Ever

I’m writing about this because we sidetracked a post in the forums and I thought it was interesting to warrant a full article. It’s not so much that I want to ram my opinion down the throats of those who disagree with me (I do), but that I feel like my position is misunderstood and I probably didn’t do a great job of explaining it.

I don’t ever get angry. That doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to me (they do), but most people I know will tell you that they’ve never seen me angry.

The common misperception is that I don’t deal with anger and I stuff it down somewhere. The theory continues that eventually I won’t be able to contain it and I will unleash my rage. Or that I’ll suddenly become depressed.

People suggest that I “deal with my anger”, which is the common “healthy” way to do things.

So first – my position on it. There is NEVER any reason to be angry. You can’t feel anger unless you also feel helpless. If someone wrongs you, but you have a solution to the situation, you wouldn’t feel angry, right? You’d feel motivated, if anything. Possibly a bit frustrated because you now have more work to do. Anger is a weak emotion.

Someone please try to give me an example that doesn’t fit that description. I tried really hard to think of one, but couldn’t.

When someone wrongs you, which is the classic instigator of anger, you have two choices : accept it or react to it.

Someone knocked over your sand castle? Either accept it and do something else, or build a better sand castle.

What about something where you have no recourse? You did a good job on a paper in class but your teacher is an asshole and he gave you a bad grade anyway. I’d argue that you DO have a reaction here (drop out of school, take it up with the teacher or his superior, etc.), but most people wouldn’t do those things.

In this case, just accept it. Getting angry NEVER ever fixes anything. . Think about that – why would you want an emotion that NEVER helps? It’s like jealousy. Being jealous never helps. People have no problem saying “don’t be jealous”, but they get angry (haha….) when I say not to get angry.

Accept that some things that happen to you will not be optimal. That’s how it is for everyone, so just accept yours. Anything else is just petty and selfish.

To wrap this up – the point isn’t to suppress your anger, it’s to deal with things in a LOGICAL way and realize that anger isn’t a valid or helpful emotion. I’m not saying that this is always easy, but it can be accomplished. Instead of thinking of it as “not dealing” with anger, think of it as “dealing extremely quickly” with anger.

So this all sounds great, you might think, but how do you do it? If someone trips you today you’re going to be angry, right? You do it the same way you do anything – PRACTICE.

When you get angry, think “Am I going to do something about this?”. If you are, think of what you’re going to do and do it (or schedule it if you can’t do it immediately). How can you feel angry after that? You’ve found the solution to your problem!

If you’re not going to do something about it, then say outloud or in your head, “Bad things happen to people. This is one of those things and the best thing I can do is move on.” Maybe that sounds stupid, but when you logically agree that there’s no reason to be angry, you’ll find that you get over things extremely quickly. Think about why you’re being angry and you’ll usually be able to trace it back to a fault of your own, most likely something like, “I know the solution to this problem but I don’t want to do it.”

Enjoy. Magnus, back me up!






62 responses to “Not Being Angry Ever”

  1. Funk Demon Avatar
    Funk Demon


    But as Tyler says, we are all addicted to our emotional states. Some just happen to be less useful and more prone to cause heart disease than others…

  2. Donovan Avatar

    Hey, don’t harsh on the fire in yer belly, sometimes it’s the motivation to get something done.

    Getting kinda pissed off at that loose floor board that trips you up? Get a hammer and nails and show it who’s the boss. Just make sure you don’t tap in to the wrong thing and hit an electrical junction and kill yourself.

  3. Drew Avatar

    Amen. Bro, this is right on.

    I have consciously made an effort to eliminate negative emotions from my life. People will always argue that “I’m bottling it up” etc. But there is a difference because I never let anger happen in the first place so there is nothing to “bottle up”. This also goes for worry, when has worry ever helped you??


  4. Cody Avatar

    Read about DALAI LAMA

  5. Kristen Avatar

    I have never seen you more pissed off than the time we couldn’t find a decent, appropriately priced can-opener. You were more upset than I would have been, haha. But I definitely can’t blame you. Screw K-mart and it’s old-asian-ladies-who-stare.

  6. Tynan Avatar

    Haha… crap. I forgot about the can opener! That’s the only time it’s ok to be angry. Furious, even.


  7. Kelsey Avatar

    Looking back I really can’t recall a time I’ve seen you angry. I just realized that I come to you when I’m angry with the world and you always put things in a different perspective for me and make me not (as) angry. You go boy! Thanks for that.

  8. Jake Avatar

    As a child, I used to throw tantrums all the time. I think part of growing up is realizing you can’t always get your way. Not losing your temper is just an extension of that. Anger is like any other negative emotion: a signal that something is wrong. There’s no point in wallowing in it. The one time in the past five years I allowed myself to get angry was stupid because it turned out to be an issue of miscommunication. Anger only shows you are not in control of yourself.

  9. Magnus Avatar

    “Enjoy. Magnus, back me up!”


  10. Sir Turj Avatar
    Sir Turj

    While we do have two choices when wronged (to ACT or ACCEPT), I think anger greatly helps motivate us to make the choice to ACT. To ACCEPT is passive and only requires being afraid or giving up. Anger is the powerful drive that makes us stand up for ourselves and do something.

  11. Kristen Avatar

    YES. Thank you. Anger is as important of an emotion as any. I definitely don’t think a person should be considered “weak” for being angry- unless he or she allows their anger manifest itself innapropriately. Simply “accepting” something you strongly disagree with is weak. It takes a lot of courage and self confidance to stand up for what you believe in and defend the things that matter most to you. However, it takes an equal amount of courage to refrain from going ballistic.
    I think everyone gets angry, including you, Tynan; but your method of dealing with the situation is never explosive. Just because you don’t let things that would make most people lose their temper affect you longterm, does not mean they don’t make you angry. You just have enough self control to make the transaction from “pissed off” to “constuctively working through the problem” instantanious.
    Both these methods of problem solving are 100% acceptable and effective; some people just need a little fuel to get their engine going.

  12. Evan Avatar

    you already know, i back kristen’s position on this one 100%…it’s not having or lacking any feeling that is valid/invalid/superior/inferior/good/bad. it’s all about choices and actions.

    but what i really wanted to say is…i know for a fact i’ve pissed you off at least a couple of times. teehee. xo

  13. Rick Avatar

    I agree with Kristen and Evan on this one. It isn’t the emotion of anger which never fixes anything, it is the initial outward reaction some people have which is the negative in the situation. To say you never get angry is equal to saying you have an issue with your amygdala (yes that really is a word).

    Anger can be an extremely productive emotion, it has often been the driving force behind many of my successes when coupled with other emotions. Emotions are so closely linked with each other that it is only one’s own perception that differentiates them in many cases. For example anger and fear, many people really do not know the difference.

    I respect how you deal with anger and I try to do the same but I don’t discount that the emotion does happen.

  14. Motown Avatar

    This may sound slightly esoteric, but I find that if I just stop, and contemplate what is going on, within and without, I gain perspective. I’m not religeous per se, but this is a spiritual practice from Zen Buddhism called Zazen, that helps me get off autopilot so I can see clearly again. Just watching yourself, not negating the emotion, not judging nor even changing anything, is I find enough to give me perspective… particularly useful in business when the pressures get too much sometimes and you can’t see the right course of action.

  15. BigSend Avatar

    You got angry at me when we argued over “stylemogging”

    Mr. Herballs 😉

  16. Vince Avatar

    Fuck that shit dude.. now I’m pissed.

  17. Sir Turj Avatar
    Sir Turj

    I guess if you immediately know the solution to your problem, you can bypass anger and go right into repair mode, but what about when you don’t know what the solution is, or aren’t even sure a solution exists?

    In that case, you can neither ACT or ACCEPT. You’re in limbo. Pissed limbo.

  18. AC Avatar

    The whole post is silly. You say you don’t get angry but then you recognize situations that make you angry and say “Look, I didn’t get angry!” But in fact, you DID get angry you just chose to react to it in a different way. What you’re saying is not “Don’t get angry.” You’re essentially telling people not to dwell on their anger but to move on. That’s fine, but it’s hardly revolutionary. You might as well just refer people to the book, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, And It’s All Small Stuff.” But the truth is that philosophy was already hackneyed when that book was written.

    There is nothing ineherently bad about anger or jealousy. They can be great motivators.

  19. Arun Avatar

    I think a more appropriate post title would be, “Not ACTING Angry Ever.” Cutting out a primal emotion such as anger is as impossible as cutting out sadness and happiness. Your suggestions are ways of dealing with this emotion in a constructive fashion. Sure I think you can probably “dampen” the anger emotion with practice, but to not ever BE angry seems impossible.

  20. zoro Avatar

    Right on Tynan, being and holding anger inside of you doesn’t do ish but affect you and ONLY you. You get all stressed out, your pressure goes up, loose concentration and so on. So you’re only hurting yourself, unless you go and kick some ones ass because you are angry.

  21. mm Avatar

    Wise words, Tynan. I recently attended a 2 week cognitive therapy class and was very disapointed by how they covered anger. Basically, it was “everyone gets angry, you have the right to feel anger, here are some coping methods, don’t indulge it and be rational, blah blah blah”.
    I agree with you. Anger is a weak emotion that, when indulged, will just get you into trouble. Most anger is a pride thing, anyway. Unfortunately, I still struggle with it every now and then. Like you said, I intend to keep practicing until I abolish that negative emotion from my mind.

  22. Eve Avatar

    Okay, that’s just not good enough. Anger is a very real, valid emotion and while I admire your “strength”, it sounds like you’ve never really been through tragedy. So let me ask you how you felt about being raped, or molested as a child? Had to watch the plane your loved ones were on repeatedly ram into the world trade center lately? Or how about being lied to and cheated on by someone you loved very deeply and then laughed at when it was all over? Ever lost a close friend to cancer or any other disease? Ever watched a sister endure the fallout of an abusive marriage for the sake of her child, or love? Or how about having to watch your unhealthy parents have to hear, one doctor after another, that they’re in perfect health, only when you know that they’re on the verge of a heart attack, stroke and alzheimers? Foreclosure? Bankruptcy? Ever lost a job contract, or a career you invested 10-20 years of your life into? Or how about when your “friends” left you all alone to sort it all out? I’m sorry, but your approach just doesn’t cut it with real life problems.
    I’m not trying to burst your rose-colored bubble, but there are many hurting people in the world who’d find your perspective offensive.

    The reality is that healing is messy and without the cross of Jesus, none of us would ever be able to overcome. He was perfect, blameless, completely self-sacrificing, healed the sick, fed the hungry, clothed the poor and even though people brutally and unjustly crucified him, he still found the strength to forgive. Just think – after all of that He also saved an unworthy world from eternal separation from God. When was the last time you did that?

    I admire your endeavor to conquer this problem, but I disagree with your solution. It requires people who have nothing left to give to reach inside themselves for some inner power. It’s just not humanly possible.

    In truth, the proper response to deal with anger is to try to forgive the offender. That is the only way.

  23. Tetra Avatar

    I think that anger can be a good thing, particularly when it is motivated by what happened to someone else. The difference is that anger about what happened to you is more likely to lead to selfish, petty responses, while anger at injustice, or evil can bring clarity and purpose.

  24. B.T. Avatar

    Eve is right, there are things for which anger is a healthy, proper reaction.
    Of course there’s a big difference between feeling an emotion and acting on it impulsively.

    Be careful when you decide that you can toss out a part of your system that has been being refined through many millions of individual lives- it’s there for a reason, and it’s always worthwhile to understand why.

    P.S. For instance, look at the effects of human overpopulation on every living thing on Earth.
    Now look at your reaction in “I’m pregnant”.

    That’s a powerful force, that can make you think primarily about reproduction as a personal issue.

  25. Ghola Avatar

    I find it erally interesting that some people really think anger is inevitable. I don’t get angry either. And it’s not that I do but react differently to it or choose not to display it. Really I just don’t get angry. I accept things as they are – calmly – and choose to respond.

    However, I will sometimes display anger as a way to communicate with others. Some people might call this manipulative – but sometimes if you don’t respond to something does with a bit of emotion they don’t give credit to the serious nature of the consequences of their actions. So sometimes I will show anger when it’s appropriate – but it’s an act.

    To get to a point where this is the default mindset, you have to be very calm. Meditation helps.

    BTW I just ran across your site and I like it a lot. I really like your outlook on things.

  26. Alex Avatar

    I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

  27. Adam Avatar

    The author is an idiot. He states “what good is ANGER if it doesn’t help anything.” WHO THE HELL IS SAYING it has to HELP something?” Let me ask you… does being HAPPY help or change anything??? If someone hands you a million dollars… does being HAPPY about it turn it into TWO million?


    We have emotions NOT to help or change anything but because we are HUMAN! Emotions are our NATURAL reactions to events that happen to us.

    ANYONE who tells you to not feel an emotion is basically telling you to cut part of your SOUL off!

    Learn to love your anger as much as your happiness. Embrace it.. you are 100% human. -Adam ([email protected])

  28. Blaireau Avatar

    Ack! I love this soooo much. So true, and expressed in words what I knew in my heart.

    Thank you good sir, have a very nice day to you! 🙂

  29. Ryan Avatar

    I found this post, along with all the comments great. Love hearing what people think. Myself, i think that anger is a nessecary emotion. Of course its not good to go ape shit on people but keeping your anger to yourself wont work for alot of people. It may work for you, thats great! But when releasing your anger is the only way, it shouldnt be looked down upon. that is if the person doesnt kill somebody or something of that nature. I dont know, i find myself between the line with alot of things but this is one that i dont, I try too see the good in certain things. For myself though i find anger great and something we all need.

  30. Lexy Avatar

    What about moral indignation? Like when someone is driving recklessly down the road and you are so mad at him for being such a hazard to the society? The reason I get angry often is not because someone has “wronged me”, but I’m usually enraged by the internal “flaw” that this person has which caused a particular behavior. I can’t help but feel saddened and got angered by it. This is a struggle for me and I am curious what you would say. Not feeling angered is like “tolerating” these people. Don’t you think?

  31. Adam Avatar


    This is Adam again… crazy I stumbled upon this again. I want to retract some of my words. I apologize for calling the author an idiot. I was going through a REAL bad time when I wrote that blog, and I was told many times in the past that I need to hold my anger in, exes, family, etc…. and I wasn’t a rage-a-holic or anything close. It was causing a lot of problems for me, so when I wrote this i was a bit heated with this article.

    Today I can read it a bit more subjectively. First off, the author is NOT an idiot… i feel terrible I even said such a thing. Secondly, I see his points… Living happy MUST be correct as it is even the healthier option on our bodies. I have a hard time achieving it so it was easy for me to slam this article and call it “being fake”… but I do believe there is TRUE happiness out there, however for some people, this article cannot even come close to helping. Thank you, (Adam – [email protected])

  32. Adam Avatar

    Lexy, I totally agree with you. I get so mad at reckless drivers on the road. You said it perfectly… the “internal flaw” that allows them to feel it’s OK to drive like that. Makes me sooo F’ing angry. I wonder how the author handles this too. Repressed anger will cause other mental or physical issues, so it is OK to let it out as long as you are no punching holes in walls and scaring people.

    My first post I did get enraged with this article because I generally don’t like articles that tell others how to live their life, and I was like “Dude, come on, you NEVER get angry? “…. I bet he is repressing some major emotions though!

  33. Jan Avatar

    I never get angry either. Don’t like the emotion. I always look for something positive in all situations, getting angry to me seems like a waste of energy. I always laugh, I enjoy laughing it makes me feel good, so why would I want to get angry.

  34. amy Avatar

    I am like you too – I never get angry BUT I disagree about it never being useful. Anger can act as a signal to someone else, a social cue, that what they are doing is wrong and not acceptable. When my children were younger, I used to sometimes #pretend# to be angry when they did something naughty because I did see a useful function in this. Of course, being a complete softie, I loved every single thing they ever did or said….had they known this, it would not have been helpful for them! I do wish that sometimes I would be angry for real as I imagine that other people pick up on this emotion and modify their behaviour accordingly. I have never been angry with my husband and now he has a slight superiority complex!

  35. krissy Avatar

    Anger is such a debatable topic, so i wont go too in depth. I think what we were born with(all human emotions) logged into our system should be used…or else why would they be there? For the people who dont get angry..i envy you. hahaha :p I rarely get angry, but when i do, it feels like the entire world has killed everything of mine, so i feel obligated to kill something of theirs. when i get angry, it isnt just toward the person who did what they did, its towards everyone. i hate it :/ i hope one day i can learn to “control” it. Good article. Loved the insight.

  36. Victoria Avatar

    A lot of people are saying anger is necessary to get things done. And others on here have said being happy can’t change anything.

    But I completely agree with you Tynan. When I was younger, I felt like I had no control over my life, and I had no idea what my purpose was….that led to me lashing out at everyone who said anything that I took as an “injustice”…..but it wasn’t til I turned 17 that I realized justice is in the eye of the beholder and it never helps ANYone to be angry.

    You can stand up for yourself and others, while being completely calm. Actually, people tend to listen to you if your calm, than if you’re in a blind rage, or even slightly angry.

    I believe if everything is right with them…people should be happy 100% of the time. Even if something bad happens! because when happy people are sad, they cry over loved ones lost, but they get over it and are happy again!

  37. mellufr Avatar

    this article makes me so angry 🙂

  38. Genryu Avatar

    “I don’t ever get angry.”

    Yes, that’s a real problem. That stands in your way.

  39. Don Avatar

    Getting angry or not is a personal thing. Some people can get by with never getting angry, and that can be a great virtue/strength. I think the main thing to getting angry is that it does not hurt someone, especially purposefully. Also, if one falls into a game of “tit for tat”, he/she may stand to loose more than they have bargained for, including a chunk of their own, hard-earned sense of peace/strength.

  40. jmast Avatar

    Just as with any emotion, anger is sometimes justifiable. In my view, trying to control emotions is not healthy. Reacting to emotions is an action without thought. Reacting to anger, even justifiable anger is not productive. Thinking carefully before a response, is an action, rather than a reaction and produces better outcomes. Essentially, ones own thoughts, words, and actions are the only things one is in total control of. When not controlled it results in an abdication of personal power, and therefore manifest the feeling of being out of control and powerless.

  41. jmast Avatar

    a response, is an action, rather than a reaction and produces better outcomes. Essentially, ones own thoughts, words, and actions are the only things one is in total control of. When not controlled it results in an abdication of personal power, and therefore manifest the feeling of being out of control and powerless.

  42. amn Avatar

    Eckhart Tolle said it best:

    Question: “But if you call some emotions negative, aren’t you really saying that they shouldn’t be
    there, that it’s not okay to have those emotions? My understanding is that we should
    give ourselves permission to have whatever feelings come up, rather than judge them
    as bad or say that we shouldn’t have them. It’s okay to feel resentful; it’s okay to be
    angry, irritated, moody, or whatever – otherwise, we get into repression, inner
    conflict, or denial. Everything is okay as it is. “

    Eckhart: “Of course. Once a mind pattern, an emotion or a reaction is there, accept it. You were
    not conscious enough to have a choice in the matter. That’s not a judgment, just a
    fact. If you had a choice, or realized that you do have a choice, would you choose
    suffering or joy, ease or unease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or
    feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of well-being, the joy of life within?
    Any such feeling 1 call negative, which simply means bad. Not in the sense that “You
    shouldn’t have done that” but just plain factual bad, like feeling sick in the stomach. “

  43. Justin Avatar

    I have the same “problem” as you. I never get angry, and all my friends believe that one day I will lose it all in a blind rage and hurt myself or someone. I just forgive and forget. I see no reason to get angry, so I don’t

  44. Haris Ghole Avatar
    Haris Ghole

    Very nice post

  45. Mcrizzi Avatar

    This part really hit home ” Instead of thinking of it as “not dealing” with anger, think of it as “dealing extremely quickly” with anger.” Thank you!

  46. BlueCatNW Avatar

    I’m so glad someone else feels this way.  I was raised with a very cheerful, optomistic and logical attitude, and when asked, “Aren’t you angry?”, the answer is always a calm and confident NO.  I agree with you that it’s a weak emotion. I believe that you and I jump see the big picture…in the scheme of things, anger is unwarranted, serves no purpose, will compound the issues, can be dangerous, and is unhealthy.   I took a class on Stress Management, and a quote I liked is, In a crisis, you have two choices. You can go crazy or you can go peacefully.  When there’s someone in the left lane chugging along, instead of screaming for them to move, I go around (I even go so far as to create a reason they may be moving at a snail’s pace…there’s a crying infant in the back seat and they’re on their way to the doctor, very concerned and distracted, so slow is their way of being gentle, cautious or whatever. Thanks for posting this. I’d love to meet you and all the other non-angry souls.

  47. homosapien Avatar

    Anger can motivate people positively. Anger itself is not a problem, it’s wht we do with it!!!! Are you a ‘thinker’ rather than a ‘feeler’ I wonder?

  48. Jimmie Hammel Avatar
    Jimmie Hammel

    As humans, we are a bizarre mix of ancient animal instincts and newer logical insights. I’m not sure if the difference between individual emotional responses is biological, developmental, or some combination of both, but I do believe that once our emotional patterns have been developed, we can’t change them. We can alter the way we respond to an emotional stimulus, but we can’t alter the existence, or non-existence, of the emotion itself. 

    I don’t feel anger, or worry. I have always considered both of these emotions to be useless. If I’m in a bad situation, there’s either something I can do about it, or there isn’t. If I can find the solution, then viola, problem solved, and I move on. If there is no solution that will yield a positive outcome, then I stop worrying. If there’s nothing I can do about it, worrying won’t help at all. Anger is much the same way. 

    If I’m cut off in traffic, I assume the other person didn’t see me, or that they just really needed to be in the other lane, and they feel really bad about it. If someone hurts my feelings, I assume they didn’t mean to. After all, most of us hate it when we hurt others. If someone else needs to insult me to make themselves feel better, I pity them. They must be a very unhappy person to be wandering through their life, spreading misery where ever they go. Also, if I let a negative person ruin my day, then they win. 

    Maybe it’s naive to always try to see the best in others, but it makes me a much happier person. And after all, if you’re looking for the worst in others, that’s all you’ll ever find. 

    I’m not saying that every day is sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. I feel sad just like other people. But I CONFRONT MY SADNESS. I look at it. I analyze it. I ask it questions. I make sure I know exactly why I am feeling my feelings. I let myself feel it when it’s my fault or when the fault lies with another. I do not let my sadness turn into less productive emotions, like fear or anger or worry. 

    People talk about logic and feelings like they are completely separate things, but they aren’t. An emotional reaction is instinct, but the context comes from the thinking part of your brain. If someone cuts you off in traffic, the emotional reaction is “Hey, that was rude!” And then you get to make a choice. 

    Option 1: “Hey, that was rude! That guy must be a total jerk who thinks he can disrespect whoever he wants!”

    Option 2: “Hey, that was rude! That guy must not be familiar with this part of town, and didn’t realize his turn was coming up soon.”

    The main difference between these two scenarios isn’t how the person perceives the offensive driver. It’s how they view themselves in the situation. In the first scenario, the feeler has turned themselves into a victim. In the second scenario, they have shown concern and compassion for the plight of the rude driver, putting themselves in the position of power. 

    If you choose to show compassion and empathy to people, even when they are behaving in a way that makes you want to punch them, you can live your life in a place of peace instead of a place of anger. All you have to do, is choose to be the bigger person. 

  49. Thehawker Avatar

    i though i was the only one. friends looked at me funny when i try to tell them that while ive gotten disappointed and sad…ive never really felt anger or rage. … one friend told me i just suppressed it deep down. i assured them that i could never suppress a feeling i never got in the first place. in order to suppress a feeling required that feeling first.

  50. N Avatar

    This is spectacular. Anger arrives wheen you feel out of control. Or like someone is taking your control. But if you always know and feel you are in control of you as a grown successful adult. You will never get angry! I love it. Great cconcept

  51. Ashlyslife Avatar

    I’m the same way. I don’t get angry. If something happens to me that I don’t like I just let it go.
    To me Anger is a waste of emotion and time.

  52. Rainbo Avatar

    Wow. Awesome. I always thought people who claimed they “never got angry” are full of it, and totally out of touch with their emotions; that one day…ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOSE. I think there are people, who, like you, don’t get angry. I also think there are those who deny they get angry who really DO get angry…like my boyfriend. But I have changed my mind about thinking you’re full of it. I actually believe it MAY be possible.

    I am going to ask myself that question, from now on. I get angry so easily. I know it’s because my fragile ego is wrapped up in such stupid, petty stuff. I know it comes from the feeling of powerlessness and that powerlessness spells INJUSTICE, and after painting myself a victim for so long, in my head, injustice triggers a rage-like response.

    My boyfriend was an insenstive jerk to me the other night. i layed in his bed, stewing in it for a while, and decided to just leave while snored his head off. I was quietly trying to leave, and just “call it a night.” He hopped out of bed and immediately started yelling and demanding I tell him WHY I was SO ANGRY and LEAVING. The fact was, I wasn’t angry. I thought, “Wow…you’re sort of a jerk,” but that was the end of it. I was tired, and couldn’t really sleep in his bed. I just wanted to go home and chill out. The problem came when I reacted to his reaction. I felt a FEAR or defense response in me. I rose up to defend myself and feeling as though I HAD to, is actually what made me angry.(he injustice of being accused of being angry when I wasn’t angry, actually evoked anger in me. UGH!) I was really angry at MYSELF. Crazy. I think if I ask the right question of myself, I can diffuse it. GOd, I hope so. I would be so much happier, which is what I really want. I don’t want that reptilian response, and toxic relationships. I want to have more control over my emotions AS I deal with them. Thanks a million for your blog.

  53. ShannonOlivia Avatar

    I also was a person who never got angry. Until I was in my 20s & a man raped my 3yr old daughter. Yep. That changed me. I’m still not a person that angers quickly. But I’m not a person of trust anymore either. Yet my anger towards pedifiles is very real. Shannon

  54. Oliver D Avatar
    Oliver D

    I realized how useless anger generally is after I acted angry at my young kids a couple of times. All it did was amplify my frustrations and show them an unhealthy behavior they would imitate when they were frustrated.

    This “mirror” that my kids held up made me realize how stupid I was, when I was thinking that I could yell at them to get them to do what I want.

    I used to defend occasional anger as a natural force that can help to change things for the better. I used to think that without anger there would never have been any revolutions, the oppressed would never have thrown off the oppressors.

    But now I am not so sure anymore. Maybe the “angry mob” was mostly just used by others during revolutions and only cool-minded, well planned uprisings actually changed society in a progressive way.

    Also, I used to be a defender of very honest (some would say harsh) criticism and a sometimes very confrontational style of debate. Sometimes I would get really mad when small things seemed really unfair, inappropriate etc and I felt like justice was or should be on my side. Those situations then either backfired and/or added to my reputation as a loud mouth.

    Now I am at a point in my life where I am reassessing my cognitive and behavioral patterns and want to be more balanced, more efficient and have less friction happening, at work, at home, within my family and in public.

    This goes along with less problem-oriented (more solution-oriented) thinking, less big picture complaining and more pragmatic doing, less dwelling on frustration and more goal-oriented planning.

    I can still get frustrated when I see how the majority often seems passive and indifferent, and I am often more likely to speak up or act on something that bugs me than others do. Sometimes that can also be perceived as a (mild) form of trouble-making but I like it better than swimming with the flow all the time.

  55. Craig Avatar

    I very rarely feel anger. This is not as a result of some supreme effort to reconcile myself to the world. I just don’t feel it. I was widowed at a young age and, even then, I missed the anger phase of the grieving process. Lack of anger has helped in all sorts of ways, but it can be dull and, more importantly can lead to loved ones feeling that they are not important enough to warrant strong emotional reactions.

  56. Passing by Avatar
    Passing by

    Hm… You say you don’t get angry but you seem a tad aggressive about those who do, though.

    I came across this blog because I was curious about the same thing; I never get angry ever. Perhaps I was born with this inability, perhaps it’s a part of my PTSD symptoms. Usually I get scared and/or lightheaded instead of being angry. But this isn’t because I “do something about it”, nor are people wrong for being angry without doing anything about. It’s just the way I am, and just the way they are.

  57. Faithlarge Avatar

    Been dating this guy for 3months and i ve never suceeded in getting him angry. He told me he doesnt get angry. But for me, i easily get angry though my anger doesnt last. He wants to try to change me so i dont get angry. Ever since i met him, he has only been angry once to my knowledge. A friend of his picked up a fight with him for no reason and he didn’t fight back. The friend succeeded in ripping off his gold neckchain and my boyfriend’s only reaction was to ask him to replace his neck chain. And the friend did replace it. I keep asking him why he never gets angry. And I told him that guys like him will pretend they don’t get angry and when u get married to them, they will show u another side to them. And I also told him that, I will take it upon me as a project to go to Google and research how to get him angry which is how I stumbled on this post. So dear writer and those who commented, I still don’t believe there is anybody who doesn’t get angry. I can never believe that. I like that I can feel angry so that people won’t take me for granted. So I will still go ahead with my project of getting my boyfriend angry so I can see how he reacts. Thanks

  58. AnonSins Avatar

    I never get mad myself, never. I don’t see the point of being overwhelmed by it. It makes you irrational. However, if someone crosses me, I’ll be sure to get back at them. No doubt about it. Even if it’s years after.

  59. Divinepoet Avatar

    I found this article to be mostly true. There is no need to get “angry” in most situations. I have found that narcissists get angry when anyone doesn’t agree with their thinking. I do think that when people learn to understand their own emotions and where they stem from, it is quite easy to evolve and in most cases anger becomes obsolete. However, I do think that in circumstances of injustice, anger is necessary. Not to say that it justifies brutality but as a means to end brutality in all of its forms. Anger is a necessary tool to end exploitation. Exploitation of humans, animals, land, resources, the environment, war, etcera… I think that that is where anger should end. At the point of emotional response. The way it should be learned to be expressed is through constructive positive change in its corresponding issue. Acting out, brutally in anger is a fools game.

  60. monski Avatar

    i do agree with first i thought there was something wrong with me..why dont i get angry? i just dont want to waste my time on this negative feelings and linger on is to short to be angry..and for what? it won’t change a situation or whatever happened when you get angry..move on!!!

  61. ind Avatar

    I don’t get angry either, and it’s a point of contention with my wife (who does). What she might see as “the landlord screwing us over,” I’d see as “an unfortunate situation he should have fixed when we told him about it.” She responds with rage, and I simply don’t.

    It occurs to me, anger might be useful in communicating to others that they have wronged you. Measured communication is more easily forgotten, so anger might be more useful in changing behavior.

    Of course, it can also alienate and exacerbate already stressful situations…

  62. shotgun Avatar

    Alright, I’m not some sort of scientist or psychologist that knows everything— heck, I don’t know a thing about psychology, how emotions work, anger etc. but speaking from my own experiences, I can say that some parts of this article are hard to agree with. First off, anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to use violence or some shit like that, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to argue and lash out. But sometimes, it’s OKAY to feel angry. I myself am very short-tempered but honestly, I try but can not control it. But unlike how you are portraying anger, it isn’t a completely bad emotion. Holding in anger is bad, NOBODY can not ever be angry. Of course, some people don’t show it and that is somewhat a good thing but no shit, not feeling angry has got to be unhealthy for your brain, body and health. Again, anger is an emotion that everybody feels and you gotta stop thinking that anger is just some sort of petty childish emotion that kids feel when they don’t get what they want. It’s not like that. Of course, anger doesn’t help you in anyway but at least it helps you cope with your sadness! Not everybody including me will suddenly lash out with their anger, I don’t do that shit but I also don’t keep it all inside of me! People who get angry are not SUDDENLY idiots, and the emotion they feel comes naturally and it is NOT too bad of an emotion. It is first nature in humans, it is just what we do and some people respond it that way. People who get angry are not SUDDENLY a**holes who do not believe in the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and cannot get over things. Anger is just a temporary feeling that EVERYBODY feels.

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