I'm sick of being treated like an idiot. Last weekend I rented a boat with some friends, and we were forced to sit through a 15 minute talk about boat safety. It was boring and slightly condescending, but tolerable. After the talk I asked if I'd have to listen to it again if I rented a boat next weekend. He said I would have to.
On the highway I am forced to drive at the speed limit even though I'm a better driver and have a better performing car than most people.
When I call Sprint to upgrade my service I am forced to say "no, no, no thanks, no" while they try to upsell me on ringtones and other such digital garbage.
If I ruled the world (which I, of course, plan to do some day), there would be the TDoA (Tynan's Department of Awesomeness), which would be responsible for evaluating people's awesomeness and handing out certification cards depending on one's results.
Awesomeness would comprise of many factors, but the main ones would be :
Awesome people would have a lot of great priviledges. We'd be able to sit in the back section of the airplane and not listen to the idiotic safety demonstration.
We could swim in swimming pools after they were closed.
The plastic bags given to us wouldn't warn us of the unnatural danger of putting our heads in them.l
Our movie times would be adjusted so that we wouldn't have to sit through the cartoon fox telling us to turn off our cell phones.
There would be three bathrooms : Men's, Women's, and Awesome's. Awesome's can be used by men or women, since there's no reason we can't all get along. Also, since only Awesome people were in the Awesome bathroom, the toilets would be clean and unclogged, and there would be a minimum of misspelled erotica scratched into the stalls.
Awesome people would be allowed to run red lights if there obviously wasn't anyone else coming and they used their blinkers properly.
Sounds pretty great, doesn't it? Vote Tynan for President in 2032.
You should look up the facts about the McDonald's coffee. There is more logic behind that suit than you might think.
Your thoughts on being a better driver than everyone else made me think of all the people on American Idol who think they sing better than everyone else.
Yeah. Gotta watch the selfish arrogance. Regular arrogance is OK. But the selfish kind is right out!
"On the highway I am forced to drive at the speed limit even though IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m a better driver and have a better performing car than most people."
That's exactly the kind of selfish arrogance that the speed limit is there for.
OOOOH! Can I apply for official state graffitist? My spelling alone would qualify me for awesomeness, but I've all the other bases covered as well. And my erotica is second to none! My only question is...does all erotica created (and scratched into bathroom stalls) under your administration have to be Tynan-centered? I could manage that, but it might cramp my style...
i think this is a very good plan, but i worry about the governing body that would hand out these special rights. clearly being awesome myself, i want to make sure that any "awesome" guys are screened for spraying and peeping tendencies before they can come into the bathroom with me.
also tynan, you have to learn how to spell privileges before you can be allowed to have any...
kidding. love you. mean it.
I have flown numerous times, although I still watch the safety demonstration everytime and happily do so. What does that say about me?
I'm building a country, you should come run it. Have your people call my people, we'll work something out.
As I may have mentioned before, I am a huge fan of cruises. Although I haven't gone on one yet this year, I usually go on at least one or two every year. Where the cruise actually goes is wholly unimportant to me. Half the time I sleep through the stops anyway, and just stay on the boat. I just like having no cell phone, having great food available 24/7, and sitting on the back of the boat watching the waves.
It takes a certain type of person to enjoy a cruise. Usually that person is an old person. My friend Jonah and I are the two exceptions. I think we've gone on two cruises together, and each time we were the only people remotely close to our age. So much for meeting the hot ladies pirate-style.
On one such cruise we woke up at our usual time - 3pm. The boat was docked in Mexico, and was leaving at 5:30, meaning that everyone had to be on the boat at 5.
"Hey! How is your day going?"
"Hey, great! (BIG SMILE) ... You?"
"Good, but it's rainy and wet and like a couple of retards we only packed sweaters and we don't have an umbrella either."
"Oh! One of my customers left her umbrella here this morning. Do you want it?"