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It is fairly easy to avoid getting rejected. Just don't step up to the plate and you can never strike out. If you really look at it, this is the modus operandi for most people. They're filter feeders, taking whatever comes their way, doing their best with it, but never going out and actively trying to get what they want.
For better or worse, this works okay in our society. Unless you're really near the poverty end of the scale, there's a default life waiting for you. On one end it might be working two shifts, scraping by, but being comfortable on your secondhand couch watching TV. Or on the other end it might be eating from the silver spoon until your inheritance creates a silver spoon for your kids.
If you want that default, whatever it may be, you can just go with the flow. If you want something else, you have to be proactive.
Recently I've been thinking about how this applies to social situations as well. If you only meet the people in your predefined social circles, don't go terribly out of your way to become better friends or be an especially good friend, you'll still be fine. Or at least, you probably won't be lonely.
I've been called unbalanced many times. Not mentally unbalanced (that I know of), but unbalanced in terms of how I spend my time. I spent a whole year doing nothing but pickup. Three years doing nothing but working 12+ hours a day. A lot of time traveling like a maniac. Sometimes people think I work way too much, sometimes way too little. Where's the moderation?
Multitasking was a really sexy until every study proved that monotasking was better. Focus on one thing, then another, then another. Don't try to do all three at once. Extreme focus led to balanced productivity in the end.
I think the same is true on a larger scale. Dedicating your life to mastery in a certain area for months or years at a time unlocks benefits not otherwise available. When your life is "about" something, you prioritize better, go deeper, and get help more from people.
Most people who know me would probably use "well-rounded" to describe me. And if you look at my history, you'd probably agree. I've seen a lot of the world, produced a lot of work, have some level of mastery over social skills, have hard technical skills, and have checked so many items off my bucket list that I probably need a new bucket.
You might wonder why I haven't mentioned a word about WifeQuest 9000 since posting a post saying I'm single. Maybe you've assumed that things are going really poorly, and I don't want to talk about it. That might be what I would have assumed.
The truth is that I've had to wait because of a prank that needed to happen...
After writing that post, I got way more responses than I anticipated. This swamped me with email, especially because I didn't lay out any sort of process for introducing me. So some introductions had pictures, some didn't; some had locations, some didn't; some were directly to me, others directly to the girl, others to both. It quickly became a mess and I fell behind in returning emails.
So, first, if I didn't write you back, or if you introduced me and I didn't thank you: sorry. I got overwhelmed and was traveling at the time. The quality of introductions was really good and I'm grateful for them.
My motorcycle gave me three years of virtually no problems. Then water got into the tank and caused it to intermittently stop running. A week after I had that fixed, the fuel pump broke, maybe because of the water issue. Once that was fixed, the bike felt better than ever, and I felt good making a 200 mile round-trip journey to Carmel, CA with Justine on the back.
Our ride down was as pleasant as a three hour ride on a small street bike can be. Our legs cramped up a bit, and the backpack I fastened to the tank slid around, but the beautiful scenery of the pacific coast highway kept us pleasantly distracted.
After a visit to Carmel that went by too quickly, we loaded up the motorcycle again and headed back on Sunday afternoon.
We took highway one up to Santa Cruz, and then decided to take route 17 over the mountain to save some time and see something different. The bike charged up the mountain until we were about 90% of the way to the top, and then it died.
Let's say you're going to put ten hours of effort into something, either a project or a habit. Your goal, or one of them, is to get as much out of those ten hours as possible. What will be important at the end isn't the number of hours put in, but the results.
One of the factors contributing to how effectively you spend your time is how you divide it. Do you do it all in one chunk? Ten one-hour chunks? Six hundred single minute chunks?
The answer to that depends heavily on the task, but for many habits, daily execution is ideal. You can break something huge like language learning into daily chunks that are manageable. You get the benefit of constant forward momentum. It's easy to remember that you're supposed to do something every day.
Someone asked, at a recent reader meetup in Budapest, how I do things every day. At this point it's such a fundamental part of who I am that I don't have an immediate answer other than: I just do them. But having to answer an earnest question made me think about it in depth. I used to be the kind of person who couldn't do anything on a regular daily basis. What changed?
You don't have to look very far to see indicators that maybe we don't have the best relationship with food. Most people are overweight, unhealthy, and making little to no effort to change those things. These are, presumably, good people who want to do what's best for themselves and their families.
The problem with our relationship with food is that it serves as both fuel and as pleasure, and the pleasure aspect hijacks the fuel aspect. How often do you eat what you need rather than what you want?
I get as much pleasure from food as anyone else. I had mandarin gelato in Rome a few days ago that was unspeakably delicious. And even though I eat the same thing every day when I'm not traveling, I really do love my sardines and Chipotle. But I always think of food as fuel primarily.
There's a range of entertainment, from positive stuff like physical activity and museum-hopping down to doing methamphetamine. Each of these has positive and negative aspects, but the former side of the scale is overwhelmingly positive, while the latter is overwhelmingly negative.
I can't imagine that working at a car rental place is much fun. Especially if you're working in Las Vegas and the line is full of angry customers who have waited an hour only to be barraged with company-managed upsells. I wasn't angry, but I was definitely in line for about an hour waiting to pick up my rental car in Las Vegas.
My friend and I got to the front of the line, and immediately started jokng with the woman behind the desk. We said that we'd like an upgrade to a car with spinning rims, and that it must be good for drive-bys. When she laughed and feigned terror, we invited her into the "business". By the end we were laughing together and she upgraded us to a convertible for free after quietly mumbling "There's a promotion..."
Cruising down the strip in our cherry Sebring Convertible, we talked about the merits of just being friendly and joking around with people.
Fundamentally, people want to get along. My sister went to a plant nursery that was slammed on Yelp for having an unfriendly and sour owner. She made it her mission to be friendly every time in, and eventually they became friends. Few people are really mean and nasty people by nature, rather than by circumstance.
My friend Jimmy was working on his business, Minaal. Every once in a while, when you're really working hard, you need to come up for air and take a break. You want to do something that uses the opposite side of your brain to give the analytical side a break. Not sure if that's how the biology works, but it feels like it.
Anyway, his break was to practice the Dr. Dre art of "Forgot about Dre", a gangsta rap classic from 2001. He and I both like karaoke, and that's our traditional duet.
In between rapping and getting back to work, he fired off an email to me suggestion a blog post: the importance of having varied interests.
Tonight I was hanging out with a few of my favorite people in Tokyo. We were talking about people we met while traveling, and one person in particular that we had met at the same time.
I really agonized over the purchase of my latest jacket. For about fifty dollars more, I could get a jacket that was .8 ounces lighter than the other one. It sounds crazy just writing that. In the end I found a deal to get that jacket for the same price, so I was spared the agony of having to make decision.
Managing every ounce in a backpack sounds ridiculous. I get it. It seems like obsession gone awry, excess for its own sake.
But a couple weeks ago, walking through Budapest, I decided to take my backpack with me for the day. I wasn't sure if I'd find some time to sit and do some work, and we were thinking of going to baths, where I'd prefer to have my own soaps. But, as it was our first day in a new city, there would be a lot of walking.
We barely took public transport, instead walking miles up and down streets, across bridges, and up a huge hill for the view. And, for maybe the first time, I realized that I didn't notice the weight of my bag at all. At nine pounds or so, it was so light that it didn't encumber me in any way.