Two years or so into working on Sett, an experienced entrepreneur friend of mine brought up the topic of taking investment. He thought that we should raise money and was interested in being the first person to invest.
So we talked seriously about it. One of the questions he asked was whether I wanted to build a lifestyle business or a “real” business. I felt a tinge of offense to the question and answered that I definitely didn’t want a lifestyle business.
And yet… I never did anything that someone building a “real” business would do.
A year and a half ago I declared that it was time for WifeQuest, where I’d get serious about dating and find someone to spend the rest of my life with. That’s something I want and everything else in my life was going well, so it seemed like the right time for it.
And yet… I’m totally reluctant to put much effort into dating. While I’m willing to make a woman a priority, I’m not motivated enough to actually find her.
It’s a strange thing, to want something other than what you want. Part of me wishes that I was the type of person who would pitch his startup, raise capital, get an office, hire employees, and all that. I’m not so far away from it that it doesn’t have its appeal. I also partially wish that I was motivated enough to put everything into dating for a year and meet someone great.
Our wants are much more obvious when we look at the patterns in our past actions. I love work and want to continue to become more successful, but my ideal vehicle for that is a flexible business where I do a lot of the work. That kind of business may never make millions per year, but I can live with that.
It turns out I really like being single. I never get lonely, I have plenty of great friends, and I love having my free time. I’d rather be single than date around, and I’d much rather be single than date someone I’m not crazy about. Better than all of those things is dating someone really exceptional, but I haven’t found an efficient way to find someone that meets my (objectively ambitious) criteria.
Not reaching goals is bad, but reaching goals that we don’t want isn’t much better. I bet that’s part of why people have mid-life crises. They achieve everything they wanted… and then realize not all of it is actually what they wanted.
So how do we know what we actually want? The easiest source of answers is looking through your past in search of patterns. What would an outside observer deduce about your priorities if he were to watch you all the time? Chances are that imaginary outsider is right.
It would be pretty obvious to someone watching me that I love building things and making them available, but that as much as I’d like to have a billion dollars, it’s not actually an important goal to me. He’d see that I’m just as happy with a girlfriend as without, except for maybe during the best relationship or two.
What takes up your time right now? What takes up your energy? Your attention? Why are those things in your life? Are they leading towards things you really want?
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Photo is sunset over Lake Champlain in Vermont.
By the way… I’m going to be in Budapest from September – October. I’ll probably do a meetup or two.
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