So you've never been drunk before? I'm a little surprised that you can hate on booze that conclusively, when you've never even gotten tipsy. How do you know you so certainly that you don't want to drink - can you tell if you like steak by watching someone else eat steak?
You're a pretty open-minded guy... it just seems really bizarre to me that you're so dead-set against something you've never even tried. Humans have been drinking for millennia... I'm not saying "why not try it because everyone else is doing it," but if so many people from so many different cultures and time periods can all together appreciate one thing, such as a good drink, do you really think it's fair just to write that thing off as a CRUTCH, when you haven't even fully experienced it?
Aren't you the same guy who wanted to pick up smoking, get addicted to cigarettes and then quit, just so you could prove you could do it? And the same guy who was excited about the prospect of going to jail? You want to experience all these different, possibly very lame and very unfun things, but you don't want to get a little buzz? What are you afraid of, you think getting wasted once will turn you into a lame popped-collar fratboy telling "we were so wasted" stories?
Tynan, you are really smart and open-minded in a lot of ways. But in some situations, you're stuck in medieval ways of thought, denouncing things you don't understand as stupid, pointless, or... and this is the most ignorant I think... a crutch.
I'm not saying that you have to drink, or that you have to like drinking. But I am saying that you are full of preconceived notions about the booze, and you are wholly unqualified to pass judgment on it or on those who partake.
And there are delicious alcoholic drinks out there. They're all really, really girly, but you seem pretty secure in your masculinity anyway... go get like a strawberry margarita somewhere, you can even have them made with fresh fruit if you go to the right place.