Sad

Since Krunkaoke got shut down, I go to Rain every Wednesday. It’s a gay club that does Karaoke on Wednesday nights. They have a good selection of songs, a cool light up stage, and a laid back attitude towards me including “nigga” in all of my songs. The downside is that I get hit on / groped by gay guys, but I can deal with it.

I get home at 1am and I check on my fish. They’ve had tail rot on and off for the past few months. I’ve put hundreds of dollars of medicine in the tank trying to fix them, as well as adjusting their food and cleaning the tank and doing more frequent water changes. When I moved to my new place they got a lot better, but have since gotten worse.

I noticed that one of the black tetras was doing really badly this morning. His fins had all but distenegrated and he couldn’t swim properly. It was really sad – he was the only remaining fish from the first group that my friend gave me. It seems dumb to get attached to fish, but I really love them.

Now, twelve hours later, he’s doing worse. He’s been sucked up against the intake for the filter and doesn’t have the strength to pull away from it. I nudge him with the net, but he gets sucked right up against it again. He’s going to die.

With no chance of recovery, I put him in a plastic cup and walk over to the freezer. He can’t keep himself upright, so he’s lying on his side looking up at me with his little eye. I feel really bad… I’m about to kill him, and he has no idea. I’m sure all his fish brain knows is that I’m the guy who feeds him.

I put him in the freezer. It’s the humane way of killing fish – as if killing things is humane. I lie down on my bed, which Evan is sitting on. She tries to console me, but I just want to stare into space and be alone. She leaves, and as soon as she’s gone, I burst out crying.

I haven’t cried in two years, not since I broke up with Katya. It’s that same feeling, too, doing something you know is right but hurts the other person/fish (ok, I just smiled for the first time after writing that).

Then a friend who has cancer calls me with bad news. Suddenly the fish doesn’t seem like such a big deal.