I like the idea of parallel universes. There’s legitimate scientific research that says that there are infinite universes existing simultaneously in different dimensions, maybe even one for each possible outcome. So in some parallel universe, maybe I’m the king of Norway. It’s nice to think about, anyway.
That theory may not be proven or disproven in our lifetimes, but in a way we’re already living in parallel universes here in this reality.
In high school, I had a strange arrangement with a couple of my friends who were dating. When things weren’t going well in their relationship, they’d take me to Bennigan’s restaurant, and each tell their side of what was going on. I’d try to mediate as best I could.
Things didn’t always go so great for them, so we did this a few times.
What fascinated me, although I may not have thought of it in these terms, was how small the overlap was in their two universes. They had this shared understanding between each other, and some set of common experiences, having gone to the same school and all, but most of their lives were very separate.
Through their unique life paths, they had built two very different kaleidoscopes through which they viewed the world. Their experiences colored future events and added meaning beyond the bare observations they made. If he didn’t call her every day, he didn’t care about her. Or from his perspective, he wasn’t smothering her.
A friend was telling me today about a dispute he had with a now ex-friend. From my point of view, and my friend’s, the other guy had really been out of line, blown something way out of proportion, ended the friendship, and turned vindictive.
And yet, as much as I’ve long disliked the guy, I doubt he was intentionally malicious. In fact, if we were to piece together some assumptions we could make about his path through life, it was possible to see how maybe, just maybe, he reacted reasonably. Through a filter just distorted enough by past treachery, my own friend’s actions could seem suspicious.
Who’s right? Maybe both are, each in their own universe. In my friend’s universe, where people have always treated him well, and treating others well has always worked, he’s in the right. On the other hand, in the other guy’s world, where people have deceived him and tried to take advantage of him, he’s right. If it barks like a dog, it’s a dog; in his world my friend barked like a dog.
It’s tempting to want to be the right one all the time. It comes naturally, since we’re all so firmly entrenched in our own realities. And yet, it’s far too easy of an explanation to assume that we’re always right. Smart as we may be, none of us is that smart all the time.
Walking in another’s shoes is one thing, but how about stepping into their reality? Thinking about their past, allowing for the skeletons in their closet that we’ll never see, and finding the narrative that makes them right in their own universe.
I write a lot about how seeing the truth as accurately as possible is a virtue, and this is an extension of it. Sometimes the world offers paradoxes, and accepting them is the best path forward. So when you’re at odds with someone, consider that you may both be right in your own universes. That may not help with the facts of your shared reality, but it can cool down emotions and provide a way forward.
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Photo is a wall mural from the modern wing at the Boston MFA
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