I have a technique that I use to deal with a lot of situations that I call setting strong defaults. It started with dating as a means to eliminate the ridiculous and common “but where do YOU want to eat?” loop where each person keeps asking the other person where they want to eat, and tons of time an energy is wasted on a decision no one really cares about. Now I use it for many things, from dating to work.
There’s a balance in relationships where women typically want a man to lead in decisions, but also want to be heard and to have the option of having input. Very often men don’t realize this and they keep asking their girlfriend what they want to do, only to have the question flipped back to them. They think that they’re being nice, but actually they’re imposing the responsibility of having to choose on their girlfriend.
To solve this problem, I decided that I would always suggest something with the assumption it would be what we chose, but would always agree to counter-suggestions. So I’d say something like, “Hey, how about if we have dinner at Chipotle?”
If she says that she wants to go to a different restaurant, then I’d just accept and we’d go there, since I don’t really care where we eat and my primary motives are to not spend a lot of time deciding where to eat, and to make it easy for her to not have to decide where to eat.
Then, of course, I started doing this outside of dating. If a group of friends was going to have dinner, I’d always suggest a place. Deciding between five people is a lot more difficult than two, so suggesting saves even more time.
I never ask people when they’re free. I say “I’m free at 12, 2, or 3. I’ll suggest we meet at 2 unless that doesn’t work for you”. That’s a lot of emails or texts saved going back and forth.
This isn’t at all about imposing my will on others. It’s entirely about relieving them of the burden of responsibility. They can take that responsibility if they want, and I’m happy to give it up, but I’m trying to do them a service by not imposing it on them.
My family came to visit me in Budapest last month. Every day I came up with a default plan of things to do. If they didn’t want to do something or had something else in mind, no problem. But it was a very easy trip for them because none of them once had to decide where to eat or what to do.
I also do this to myself as a way of removing obligations to make decisions. I have a strong default of eating sardine and tuna sandwiches for lunch and Chipotle for dinner. If something else is more convenient or if I just feel like switching it up I’ll allow myself to, but I never ever spend time in my day thinking, “What should I eat for dinner tonight?”
My strong default for using my time is working. As soon as I find myself sitting around wondering what I should do, I just get to work. For that reason I never feel bored or aimless. If there’s something else I want to do, that’s fine. If not, I’m at my computer working.
I have a strong default to saying yes to invitations from close friends and a strong default to saying no to anyone else. If an invitation isn’t a hell yes or hell no, I just go by those defaults.
I feel very little stress in my life, and that’s partially because I have, in a sense, automated most of my decisions. When I’m sitting around pondering something, it’s something that matters, not what I’ll be eating for dinner.
If you find yourself at a point of indecision, allow that to be a red flag. Is this a decision that comes up frequently, or is there some common thread between this and other decisions you often have to make? If so, that’s a big opportunity to sit down and figure out what your strong default should be.
You should be spending almost no time at all on decisions that aren’t going to impact your life long-term. We all have limited focus and decision making abilities, and it’s a total waste to spend them on choosing dinner or what to do with your afternoon. Figure these things out in advance and mentally automate the unimportant parts of your life so that you have the ability to make the best decisions on the things that matter.
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Photo is Mirror Lake in Yosemite. Apparently it’s not as grand as it used to be because they don’t dredge it anymore, but it looked good to me.
Almost done with the cruise and the rough draft of Life Nomadic 2. Thanks for all of the suggestions. Managed to put about 90% of requests in there.
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