I've been really surprised to see some of the responses that have come in on last weeks post about me quitting. In particular, I'm shocked at how many people think it's okay, or even best, to quit.
I can only assume that I did a poor job explaining why I'm getting back into pickup, because I can't imagine anyone in their right mind thinking it's okay to quit given the actual situation. So, first a recap of why I'm doing this, and then a specific response to why I won't quit, which I hope will make sense given the context, and then a few other comments on people's replies.
Why I'm Doing This
I'm thirty years old. I used to be excellent with women. As a result, I had good women in my life, which made my awesome life even more awesome. My adventures were shared with girlfriends. Things were good.
Now, due partially to extensive travel and an insane amount of work, but mostly to me not living up to my own standards when it comes to meeting new people, I have no girlfriends. I have no prospects of girlfriends. I'm not dating anyone.
This is a pretty absurd position to be in, and it's embarrassing. Not embarrassing in that I care what other people think about it, but embarrassing because I have internal standards that I try to live up to, and I have fallen short.
This isn't a decent situation, or a subpar situation, or a compromise. It's straight up unacceptable.
When I'm not living up to my own standards, I do something about it. I take the time necessary to formulate a plan, and then I execute the plan. I proactively correct problems in my life with the force and direction necessary to get it done.
I'm doing this because I need to. There's a problem in my life, so I will fix it. The alternative is to lose faith in myself and become passive towards my own shortcomings. That idea scares me a lot more than talking to girls in the mall does.
Why I won't quit
Being able to proactively approach girls in everyday life and attract them is extremely difficult. I don't have an ordered list of every difficult skill a man could acquire, but if I did, this would probably be somewhere near the top.
Even if I've been through this before, can I really be so arrogant to assume that I won't have any serious speed bumps along the way? Of course not. Last week I encountered the first of them.
So the question becomes: how do I respond to difficulty?
When faced with such a clear-cut example of falling down and choosing between staying down or getting back up, the choice becomes extremely important. It's not just about this particular stumble; it's a template for how I deal with tough problems in my life.
Why did I stop approaching girls after only three of them? It wasn't because approaching another seven wouldn't have been beneficial. Nor was it because having girls in my life suddenly became unimportant. It was because I was scared, and I gave into my fear.
Given these two facts, the solution is simple: conquer my fear. I can't dream of any other alternative that would leave me with self respect.
I'd like to address each comment to my last post, but I don't think it's necessary, because I think many stem from similar misconceptions (which I take responsibility for, as it's my job to clearly communicate here). I think that a lot of the replies are good advice for a goal I don't have, and bad advice for the goal I do have.
My goal isn't to get a bunch of numbers, or to sleep with a bunch of girls, or even to meet one special girl. I can end this month without a single phone number and still be satisfied that I reached my goal.
My goal is this: to be a person who can and does approach and start interesting conversations that move things forward with girls he's attracted to.
It's not a results goal, it's a process goal. It's fully in my control. We can all have different standards for these things, but my standards dictate that when I'm attracted to a girl and want to talk to her, and I don't do so, I have failed.
My standards also require me to be conversationally proficient enough to hold her interest and move things along if I like her. I knew that I lost my ability to approach, but I assumed that I still had this level of conversational proficiency. I was wrong. This is what happens when you rest on your laurels.
A few of the comments questioned the idea of going to a mall and talking to ten groups of girls. One girl said she was offended by the idea, another guy said it was dishonest (since I wasn't telling the girls that they were x/10), and a couple people mentioned that girls at malls might not be exactly what I'm after.
What IS the perfect method of learning pickup? The answer is that there isn't one. Social dynamics are complicated and messy. All of the girls I might be interested in aren't just lined up, ready for me to approach them with full intent until I find the right one. Instead, they're scattered all across the world, with other people, doing other things.
To get good at anything, you have to practice. I have to talk to a high volume of women. A lot of women go to the mall during the day. Some of them ARE women that I would be interested in-- I know this because I've met some of them there. Even outside of pickup, I go to the mall many days because there's a Chipotle there. Just because a girl goes to the mall doesn't mean that I won't be interested in her.
If I AM interested in her, I don't just cut off the conversation and move on to the next for the sake of reaching my tally. Yesterday I really liked the first girl I talked to, so we ended up talking for over an hour, until I had to go and do some more work. I didn't write that up as a failure, because it obviously wasn't.
The mall isn't a dreamworld of dozens of beautiful women who are exactly my type, but it's the best place I can find to give myself good odds at both talking to a lot of people, and occasionally finding some I genuinely like.
Last, let's talk about integrity. The only situation in which I lie or deceive is where I'm speaking with someone who has authority but no authority to reason. For example, I lie to TSA and say that I don't have liquids or razors in my bag because they aren't given leeway to be reasonable.
In all other situations, I go WAY out of my way to be proactively honest and forthright. A couple weeks ago a company processed a refund for some stuff I bought and refunded more money than they should have. I called them, waited on hold, and had them charge me for the difference. I once had a girlfriend who I loved, and through a weird set of circumstances I ended up sleeping in the same bed as a couple girls. Nothing happened, but I still told her about it proactively because I believe in always telling the whole truth.
I'm obviously not perfect, and these are my own standards that are different from other people's standards, but the point is that I value integrity immensely.
Yet I don't tell a girl she's the sixth person I've talked to that day. It's not relevant. If she asks if I'm trying to pick her up, I'll tell her exactly what I'm doing. When girls ask what books I've written, I tell them about the pickup book. I walk through the mall wearing a jacket with my name on the back, and if you search for that name on Google, you'd find this site, which blatantly talks about how I used to be a pickup artist.
This post is long, rambly, and maybe comes off as being defensive. I wrote it and didn't cut large parts out, not because I think my own personal pickup situation is that relevant to my you, but because I think that the principles behind it are worth considering and apply to everyone.
This post doesn't touch on all of the nice supportive comments and the ones with good advice, just because it was already getting so long. I appreciate everyone who comments, whether supportive or not, and whether I agree with them or not. That people actually take the time to write stuff here means a LOT to me.
This probably goes without saying, but I've gotten over approach anxiety now and am doing my approaches with little or no hesitation. Still have a lot of work to do in other areas, though.
I think some people missed the forest for the trees.
if you had said you were off your game when it came to business networking and knew it was because you had become a wallflower and needed to work on confidently approaching people I don't think their reactions would have been quite so negative.
I'm also tempted to slap the guy who said you need to get married and have kids to be happy. Everyone is an individual and what makes one person happy isn't what makes everyone happy. It's a comment that I particularly loath and really sets me off.
A lot of guys get it twisted,believing that to get back in the game(PU),means your primary goal has to be to bang every chic.My focus in pick up nowadays is mainly to become a social guy(which I am).Social-circle game is my focus.Just being that guy.I won't go out of my way to get a lay every night of the week.
I like your focus.
i have read my previous comment again and it comes across as a personal offence. I mean the thing with the clown. Im sorry and want to excuse me for it. I quit smoking lately and maybe i was a bit aggressive.
I read the other comments and i feel that the most people think it is a good thing you want to (re)improve your Game in this way. I dont think so. I think while doing so you hide your light under the bushel. In doing so you IMHO bend yourself backwards to impress the laydies in the mall. You make a full time job out of training your "skills" to make the woman at the mall happy. While the women just got to the mall. The woman in the mall dont expect a guy to "approach". You dont think you are valueable as a person but as a man who kind of tuned his communication skills. This is what i think is strange.
kind regards & best wishes
I really like that you are going out everyday :)
The previous post was really valueable...That you can get rusty at approaching if youtake time off.
That painfull memory...Seeing the thing (in this case the girl) but no taking action. Disappointment hurts more than rejection.
Maybe you can get a job at the mall. They might need a clown who entertains all the bored woman and girls shopping at the mall. Someone who talks to the female clientele and tries to engage them in a funny delightful conversation while their husbands are looking for new smartphones.
I think you are giving the woman exactly what they want: A guy who bends over backwards to make them happy. You are 30, do you still need to do this to prove you are a man? I have done this when i was like 16. You have done it in the past as well. So why dont you do something you really want?
Kind regards & best wishes
This is the first post of yours I've come across and it struck a nerve. It articulates feelings I've had lately and wasn't able to put into words.
Feelings that what I want to do and what I'm doing are creating a gap which is eating away at my self-confidence.
Do what you set out to do. You're so right, it's about the process, not the goal. The process of being true to yourself, completing your goals and keeping your word. It builds trust, confidence and self-discipline. It's inspired me to broach my failings. I am now working my way through your entire archive :)
First time I'm posting here, but your post just had to be commented on.
You owe it to yourself to not only finish this challenge, but to surpass it.
Get out there, have fun (because that's what it's all about) and meet some new people. Get some physical contact.
So get your kino-skills out of the closet again.
Don't let the greatest version of yourself go unnoticed.
By the way, I've been catching up on your posts this last few weeks, have been enjoying each and every one of them!
Getto pool is so awesome, so is the balcony-swing!
Great honest post. Its good to know even master pickup artists fall short sometimes. and yes, what you wrote was relevant to me
Good luck Tynan. You serve as a good example for people who want to improve their social skills without taking up drinking.
Also like Peter asked,How do you make a custom jacket?
Becoming disappointed in yourself is a unique region in the realm of disappointment, because no amount of time and understanding makes it go away. The only remedy for it is to change yourself-- in fact, this is one of the best sources of motivation for self-improvement. I've recently become disappointed in my self, illustrated by these two strikes.
A common excuse from guys who fail to approach girls is that none of the girls are their type, or that none of them are attractive enough. Sometimes this is actually a legitimate reason for not approaching, but far more often it's an ego-preserving shield against actually facing the fear of approach.
To all pickup artists, rappers, and those trolls who yell remarks at women on the streets: Please accept my sincere statement of GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
From men whining that they can't date hot girls above a 7, and rappers talking about bitches and hoes because their thoughts as people don't matter. I am done in!
Some will argue: "Those are little boys, you need a real man."
Excuse me, ma'am, but my biological clock doesn't have a reset button. If I am approaching my 30's am I'm still surrounded by these "little boys" my age, I can't accept that as an answer.
Though with how society treats women, I can't even imagine wanting to bring a little girl into this world. Knowing she will just eventually reach an age where her words no longer matter - probably around age 14. Though looking at the trends of young starlets, my daughter will probably be sexualized by age 10 and be on her first diet because she's too fat and not sexy.