Continuing with the theme of weird things about me that could possibly point to some psychological conditions - I hate birthdays. Rest assured that it's not my birthday. I wanted to write this on my birthday, but instead I waited some amount of time so that no one would know when it is.
Yeah, that's right. I don't tell people when my birthday is. My family knows, since they were intimately involved in the event we're supposed to celebrate, but very few of my friends know. Kristen bribed me by making me a really cool clay rock for my fish tank, so I told her. The only two friends who called were Nicole and Nick, both of which I would have thought would never call. I've seen Nicole once in the past two years, and Nick has been in Pennsylvania for quite some time.
I don't know exactly what it is about birthdays. I just don't like people making a big deal out of it. I hate getting birthday presents (along with Christmas presents), and I hate it when people wish me a happy birthday. All these family members and Nick and Nicole called, and I ignored all of their calls. I didn't call them back either.
What's really peculiar is that I think that making a big deal out of me is a fantastic idea. If anyone wants to call me up today and tell me how glad they are that I'm alive, I fully support that. I would love to have that conversation with you. But if you call on my birthday I will probably ignore the call.
Part of it is the presents. The thought that somebody went out and bought me something out of obligation really kills me. I hate buying presents like that. If someone sees something that is great for me and buys it and gives it to me randomly, I am overjoyed. JLaix gave me a cool lighter from Spain and that made me happy. Acually, my friends and I give each other things pretty often and it's a good thing. I just hate that obligation. I also never get people presents on their birthday because I feel like the whole transaction is insulting to everyone.
I've finally convinced everyone not to get me Christmas presents, so it's now my favorite holiday. I love going to Boston and visiting my whole family and spending time with them. I even like the Yankee swap because it's a game. But back when they used to get me presents I would sometimes sneak away to go upstairs and cry. I just felt awful that people bought me things.
Even this most recent birthday, I was depressed. I never get depressed. I moped around the house and didn't do anything. At night I took a long walk around my neighborhood because that usually cheers me up. I couldn't wait to go to sleep and have a new day.
It's not that I don't want to get older either. I'm 25 now, which means that I get to rent cars at a reasonable price. I don't know how exciting that is or isn't to everyone else, but I'm very excited about the whole thing.
Anyway, that's enough of this rant. Hayden heard it all on the phone and suggested I write about it, which I thought was a good idea. The point is that if you know my birthday, then please act like you don't when it comes around. If you don't know, don't try to find out. If you want to buy me a present, go for it, but don't give me a birthday present. If you throw me a surprise party within two weeks of my birthday I will wrassle your livestock.
Ok folks... I'm gonna break it down for you Dr. Phil style today, and talk about happiness.
Now, first of all - I don't see why happiness is always priority number one. "Do whatever makes you happy", they say. "Yeah, but is she HAPPY?". Who says this is the holy grail? Personally, I think giving Tynan presents should be the end goal. "Do whatever makes Tynan get more presents" and "Yeah, but is she giving Tynan presents?" both sound pretty sweet to me.
But we live in a world where happiness is number one. They don't ask if happiness makes you money, but if money makes you happy. So, let's get happy.
If anyone else is like me, they have more than one 'version' of themselves and each one serves almost a different purpose. For example, I'm the happy, confident and generally carefree me in front of my friends and mostly my family, however, with a certain group of my friends, the closer ones to me the people I actually trust, I also show them the me when I'm down and vulnerable. And of course with my lover I show him all of me, when I'm happy and carefree as well as when Im troubled or depressed ^ ^
So that's images - what other people show us and what we choose to show other people. Next is masks. Basically the same but with more of a 'hiding' element to it. So for example, a few days back I was feeling super depressed, really sick of life and I was only online to try and distract myself from my suicidal thoughts when a friend began talking to me. Talking to him, I had to act completely normal, which to be honest can be pretty tiring especially when I was already feeling so exhausted mentally to begin with.
Wearing masks in front of people has become basically second nature to me and I do it naturally like everyone else, to hide my weaknesses from other people. Not only my friends but my family, pretending I'm ok even when inside I'm torn apart. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not playing it like I'm the only person on earth who does this, I have to yet to find someone who doesn't, but I just want some more opinions on this and maybe some clarification as to why I don't feel like I can trust my family?
Also, I'm really selfish. Even when I hide my pain from other people, I sort of still expect them to notice I'm not ok, really selfish I know and basically seeking attention but sometimes I think we all need that- someone who can understand how youre feeling without you telling them. My boyfriend always somehow seems to be able to tell that I'm feeling depressed sometimes even before I notice which is pretty crazy but also rather nice; knowing theres someone out there you don't have to act in front of, who loves you and understands you and knows you as well as you know yourself ^ ^
Next is 'worlds', not literal worlds hence why its in quotation marks. Like many people, I keep my personal and family life apart. Yes I call it personal not social simply cuz I find that I 'socialize' with people I don't trust and include my friends as part of 'personal' since these are the people I trust.