Becoming disappointed in yourself is a unique region in the realm of disappointment, because no amount of time and understanding makes it go away. The only remedy for it is to change yourself-- in fact, this is one of the best sources of motivation for self-improvement. I've recently become disappointed in my self, illustrated by these two strikes.
A common excuse from guys who fail to approach girls is that none of the girls are their type, or that none of them are attractive enough. Sometimes this is actually a legitimate reason for not approaching, but far more often it's an ego-preserving shield against actually facing the fear of approach.
When I was actively training myself for pickup, that excuse was never valid. I would just approach the most attractive girl in the bar, even if she grotesquely ugly. If there were no girls, I would go make friends with a guy. No excuses. However, after achieving a certain level of proficiency, I allowed myself to only approach girls I was attracted to. Once in a while I'd wonder if I was just making excuses, but then I'd eventually see someone I was interested in, and approach with no hesitation.
Flash forward to eight years later, most of which have been spent either traveling or in relative long-term-relationship bliss. I've become rusty, haven't done proper approaches in years, but still maintain the fantasy that if I see someone stunning, I would fall back on old instincts and approach.
Wrong. I don't know if it's the same for other guys, but once or twice a year I see a girl who appears to be exactly what I'm into. It goes beyond raw beauty; even her mannerisms and dress seem to radiate the type of personality I'd be into. I saw such a girl six months ago, or so, in the waiting area of a BART station. She was waiting for a bus, I was waiting for a friend. She was alone, bored, and standing a few feet from me. I stood there, silently, wishing I would talk to her. I didn't.
Months later, I can still remember this approach that never happened. I forget what she looks like, I forget what month it was, but I don't forget how I felt: disappointed in myself.
When people would ask me "where my game is", I would reply with some variant on the same idea: I've lost my ability to approach, because it's a skill that requires constant practice, but given enough time with a girl I'm interested in, I can almost certainly attract her. To anyone with no history with pickup, this sounds cocky. But it's really not such an uncommon thing-- no less common than a pretty girl attracting any guy who spends enough time around her.
For months I had almost no interaction with girls. My girlfriend and I broke up, another girl I was seeing moved away, and-- maybe most critical-- all of my time was being spent in front of this computer screen working on my startup. With various brief exceptions, I didn't mind this. Sometimes you have to put everything aside for something more important.
Then I met a girl by accident. There was no chance we'd end up in a little white chapel together, but she was pretty, we enjoyed each other's company, and there was chemistry. So, when it was a reasonably appropriate time, I went in for the kiss. And I was rejected.
Where exactly is my game if I'm not approaching anyone and I'm getting rejected by girls I am spending time with? At some point you have to acknowledge that just because you once were something doesn't mean that you remain that way for life with no maintenance.
My goal is to get back to a point where I approach any girl I'm attracted to, and to be sharp enough to maximize my chances of attracting her. Nothing more, nothing less. Unlike most pickup artists, I don't really care about hooking up with a lot of girls. I care about being able to do the right thing when it matters.
There's one way to improve with girls. It's not to read affirmations in the mirror every morning or to watch videos and read books. You have to get your boots on your ground. If you aren't constantly talking to girls, all these other things are worthless.
Starting January first (due to travel), I'll be going out seven days a week. There's no substitute for the momentum of constant approaching. At first I'll aim to approach twelve groups of girls every single day, although after a week or so, that will probably become impossible (because rejections will be fewer and far later in the interaction).
Approaches will be split up between day game and night game to regain comfort in both settings. I'll use almost no routines (can't get rid of the cube...) and will focus on honest openers like, "Hey, I had to stop and talk to you or I'd kick myself later", which fit every situation. Once I reach the level of proficiency I'm after, I'll cut back to a minimum daily requirement to stay on the ball. Maybe as little as one solid approach a day.
I'm doing all this not to become a player, not to chase after some girl I already know, and not even to find The One. I'm doing it because I've identified an area of my life that's subpar, and when I extrapolate what the future will look like if I stay on my current path, I'm not satisfied. The only remedy in these situations is to take drastic action.
I'll post at least one update after a couple weeks of getting back into this, and then another one when I cut down to one or two approaches per day. If enough new insight is generated, I may update Make Her Chase You.
Photo is just a random blurry shot of two cute kids.
Thanks to Adam for catching an embarrassing typo in the title!
Hey Tynan:great article.
The best point you made was about only approaching HB's.Guys make the grand mistake of only singling out hot women when at venues.In order to become a more attractive and social guy(plus eliminate AA),you have to talk to eveyone:the UG at the bar,the granny at the bar,the guys in the venue(when no girls available),etc.Great point.
@Hardway. I want to thank you for recommending The Book of Pook, I finished reading it a few weeks and I sent it to a couple of friends.
I think these sort of blog tend to attract a certain audience. Men who want to improve themselves. Guys who are happy and seek not to better themselves don't read this stuff.
There is that line. With being confident with who you are and still wanting to improve yourself. I'm really confident in myself, but I read a lot, write a lot, and constantly seek to improve my life in every aspect.
You're right about when a woman who is right for you liking you even if your mess up. I've noticed the most success I've had with woman is when I'm am myself, and I don't mean that in a chump way. I'm actually pretty awesome person. When I talk about my dreams... but here is the key difference: I actually show that I am making progress toward accomplishing them and not just say I would like to do it. Hard work is a critical part of meeting woman. I've been reject so many times that I have what I like to call Rhino Skin. It doesn't effect me what so ever. I move on.
No matter what you can always become better and meet your own standards, don't go for anyone else's.
Hey, you learned from the best. Mystery.
There's a whole book written just about you (I remember some post where you did mention that pretty much the whole second half of 'The Game', all about you).
How could you fail? I found an amazing video on Youtube of Mystery in action, I'm awed by the powers of game:
@Raul Meeting plenty of women would probably be your best bet. With more volume comes more options and more probability of getting what you want. I'm a pretty non-stereotypical guy myself so I don't attempt to pigeonhole myself into any tribes per se. I guess the ultimate question is how much you are willing to compromise and sell out to get what you want. In spirit I believe in 'no compromises' with what you want but in truth I believe we can always give up some ground without giving up who we are - the basis for consensus. 'No compromises' is probably why the middle east conflicts have been brewing since the beginnings of written literature. I think we can give up some of who we are without losing ourselves. Not sure if that made sense it's a very abstract/zen concept. It's like saying 1 - 1 = 1. It's like an underlying truth of reality beneath what we can readily observe - we can have our cake and eat it too!!! It is our minds/egos which create limits and barriers to what we think we can accomplish but it is our spirits and inner desires which time and time again break through that bullcrap to show us what is really possible. I guess this is why I lurk around on Tynan's site - he is like a living proof of that 'no limits' concept.
In a previous comment you said:
"Like you said, I want to get to the point where when I found "the one" I'll do the right thing. I'm nowhere near that level yet."
I think living your life congruently and exactly the way you want without listening to people's negative judgements and criticisms is the ultimate manifestation of 'doing the right thing' to attract that special someone. There are happy endings every day with people who know nothing about PUA or 'The Rules'. Why worry about doing the right thing when you meet the one? The one will like you for WHO YOU ARE. She'll like you for your bumbly pickup lines and awkward attempts at intimacy. If she is indeed the perfect match for you then why would you have to be anything but yourself to attract her? Its like finding the 2 pieces of a puzzle that belong together and attempting to shave an edge off 1 and add some extra corners to the other. Now they don't fit anymore.
I guess in conclusion you can either stay true to yourself but be prepared to work and wait for the one or reach a compromise with others and enjoy the company of many more people. Or we can see if you or I or Tynan or any other of these people who like to challenge the fabric of reality can both be themselves and have any woman they desire.
(ps - pook talks alot about how being yourself is a false concept to rationalize inadequacy. he could be right I have yet to explore this further since right now I'm pretty happy with things as is)
Tynan, Hanna here :)
"Where exactly is my game if I'm not approaching anyone and I'm getting rejected by girls I am spending time with? At some point you have to acknowledge that just because you once were something doesn't mean that you remain that way for life with no maintenance."
When i look, i do not find
When i walk blindly, they flock to help.
Some men are ego centered, in the way they walk, dress, talk and thats all it takes for me to know. A few short sentences with some random person at my work, and i can already ready what kind of person i'm standing in front of.
You Tynan, are none of those, your ego is hidden, it is of the mind, something you have constructed to preserve your inner being, soul as some will call it, from being hurt. when you can turn your ego on and off, with your own willpower and let more of the truth flow with a person you'd see yourself with..
life is maintenance, life is pattern, and life is method
see you around
This is refreshing reading from famous pua. It give you authentic and show you are human being. It is a big message on vital of keeping up with your skills such as learning, practicing, or any kind.
I'm interested to see how you go about doing this considering your wardrobe. I dunno if any club will let you in or whether any girl will talk to you, but it'll be cool to see what conclusions you come to! And whether with this all in mind, whether you're going to have be less minimalistic and more superficial.
@Hardway Also, I think MY biggest failure is that I try to go after woman who are outside my "tribe." For example, the way I dress, its nice and slightly flashy, but it doesn't say that I am a rock star or that I'm a hipster or whatever other types of sub-cultures there are.
Style(Neil Strauss) once mentioned that you must be part of a tribe that a woman wants be a part of or at least wants to visit. And I'm not sure how to really implement that without losing what I am about in the process.
Get what I am saying?
I've been really surprised to see some of the responses that have come in on last weeks post about me quitting. In particular, I'm shocked at how many people think it's okay, or even best, to quit.
I can only assume that I did a poor job explaining why I'm getting back into pickup, because I can't imagine anyone in their right mind thinking it's okay to quit given the actual situation. So, first a recap of why I'm doing this, and then a specific response to why I won't quit, which I hope will make sense given the context, and then a few other comments on people's replies.
Why I'm Doing This
The only web comic I read is XKCD. It's smart, funny, and often times educational. I'm a fan. The latest comic is a criticism of pickup. There ARE certainly valid criticisms of pickup, but Randall took a cheap and inaccurate shot at it. I've shrunken it below, but you can see the original here.
I'm one of the main characters of The Game, have been going out every night since February first (except the last week, where I got caught up on some work), and am friends with most of guys who contributed substantially to the pickup community. In other words, I know what I'm talking about.
All of those guys are either too busy to defend pickup, or just sick of having to do it yet again. But hey, it's Thursday night and I haven't written a blog post this week, so I'll take a crack at it.