One of the great sacrifices of subjecting kids to school is that it trains them to ask for permission for everything, from turning in work late, to changing to a different class, to more mundane things like going to the bathroom. It's a tradeoff, of course: condition kids to seek permission for everything, and by doing so enable a system to exist where they receive an education.
Maybe that's a worthwhile tradeoff, and maybe it's not. But the real harm in it, in my opinion anyway, is that when we leave school, we're still in the habit of asking permission for everything. That's dangerous.
A manifestation of this that I come across with frequently is the questions that people send me by email. Here's a paraphrased template, which covers a good 60%+ of the emails I get from strangers:
"Hi. I've made the logical decision that X is what I want to do. But, there's one minor thing in my way and I want your opinion on it. What do you think?"
These are smart people, by the way. The minor problem isn't something that would actually thwart them; it's just a convenient excuse to revert to their conditioned response of seeking permission before acting. I'm something of an authority on a few different topics, so a bit of encouragement from me is usually all they need to have the confidence to push through and do what they want to do.
I remember this feeling, and I remember the first time I overruled the instinct to succumb to it. I was in college and hated it. Living with my friends was fun, being on campus was fun, classes were pure drudgery. I wanted to drop out, but there was no one to give me permission to do so. All of my authority figures were family members, and family valued school over everything else. Finding role models online wasn't something that happened back then.
If I own a car and you borrow it, I can tell you where you can and can't go. If you own it, you can take it wherever you want. So, in that spirit, I decided to own my life. In one package deal, I accepted the responsibility and freedom of being the top of the food chain for personal decision making.
What's really profound about owning your life is that it allows you to do things no one has done before. Traditional authority figures will always try to keep you on the straight and narrow, and specialized authority figures like myself can only give meaningful permission to do things we've already done. To do something brand new, you have to generate your own permission.
Confidence is tied with self ownership, both as a consequence and as a means. To fully rely on your own judgment requires confidence, which maybe has to be faked the first couple times through a leap of faith. But as you make more and more decisions solely on your own authority, especially decisions that others oppose, and you see that they're successful, or at least not as disastrous as predicted by others, you gainconfidence. Soon the idea of anyone else having the final say in any of your affairs seems bizarre.
If you're the type of person who likes to put new ideas into action, here's my advice: search your mind for something you've been wanting to do, but have been hesitating on, and just do it. Don't ask anyone, don't tell anyone (a passive form of permission asking), just do it and see how it feels. Maybe it's something small like walking around your neighborhood barefoot, or maybe it's something big like quitting your job because it sucks. Whatever it is, do it not for the immediate benefits of indulging yourself, but rather because it's a first step towards owning your life.
Awesome post. I ended up putting up a post in reference to yours about it and how your post was pretty much the impetus to some distinct changes :) It's really quite a significant revelation once one gets their mind completely wrapped around the concept. I look back at how many times I asked for permission just to go to the bathroom and how often I was told that I couldn't... As always, great insight. Another reminder of why I subscribed to your blog. ;)
Just read the other posts and say the question about attending a Montessori school as a child,
I did for a few years and think it has had a significant effect on my outlook and ability to think way out side of the "standard" boxes people see.
I am always asking why do we have to do it that way ??????
I'm glad I stumbled onto your site. I couldn't agree with you anymore. I believe fear plays a major role in not "owning your life". We are taught to be fearful and it carries over to our decision-making. Combine that with the programming to do what is the "norm". That is why 90% of the people are sheep. They just do what they're trained to do.
Thanks for sharing.
When people ask for your permission. It feel awkward.
I had an intern asking me for a permission going to restroom.
I was like "...ok...".
On larger scale, I agree with what Tynan was trying ot state on how our life doesn't fulfill because we wait on for a permission.
Give yourself permission to do what you want to do. When you do and it is so liberating feel.
no need to ask permission to others who never bothered step into my shoes, no need ask approval to people who never understand my angle of view, and deaf to all the sharp prejudice words that won't be accurate.
Another great post. I've finally finished and left academia and looking to blaze my own path.
One thing I talked to my friend about though was that when you're put into a system, there's external motivational factors pushing you to learn and grow. But when you're on your own, you have to motivate yourself for better and for worse.
The point of my thoughts was in line with your initial post: Own Your Life . . . obviously they will have no trouble owning their own lives . . .
Hey there, really enjoy your posts. I'm a posting virgin, so this is fun and wanted to mention that I read an article in the paper the other day about a family that let their children do whatever they wish. They don't go to school and aren't even home schooled but learn whatever they are passionate about with the help of their parents. No rules, eat what they enjoy as long as it's in the household pantry any time etc etc ... what a fantastic concept ! I'm a bit of a gypsy so this tickled my fancy :) take care xx
No one is going to tell you an easy way to make money
In the beginning days of my gambling thing, it was very easy to make money. The system was basically foolproof and anyone with a credit card could make a good yearly income. I wasn't making money through any sort of skill, I was essentially exploiting a loophole. But here's the thing about loopholes: no one is going to tell you how to do them, especially not someone you don't really know personally. Because if too many people find out about a loophole, it closes. So if you want to make "easy money", you're probably going to have to stumble upon it yourself. If someone IS trying to share a loophole with you (especially aggressively, by email) it's probably a scam like a HYIP or a Forex trading scheme.
Most of the people who were gambling like I was now play poker. You can play poker online or in casinos and make six figures a year. But it's not a loophole, so it's okay to tell everyone. The barrier to entry is a few years of exhaustive practice, thousands of dollars to lose while learning, and the ability to sustain that lifestyle while you struggle to break even.
Over the recent years I've discovered that I've become something of an 'expert' on passive aggression. After having experienced it for most of my life, realised it, understood it, and overcome it, I have a unique perspective on what it is, how it affects your life, and how you can change it.
Everyone has passive aggressive traits in them, some more than others. However, when those traits become your predominant behaviour pattern, it becomes a 'personality disorder'. Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) is something I've had most of my life, and I certainly know the effects of it, but in the past few years I've been able to eliminate most of it.
All the books I've read about it say that healing PAPD is rare, if not impossible, because denying that you are responsible for breakups in relationships and social connections is one of the prominent traits. If you believe you're not responsible for the situations going on around you and in your life, then you also believe there's nothing you need to do for yourself. You're not the one with the problem, so there's nothing you need to heal. And so the behaviour and screwed up life continues.
When I realised I had PAPD and I read about how sufferers rarely heal because they don't believe they're responsible, I immediately saw all the times in my life when I blamed everyone else but myself for all the things that went wrong. And I knew that if I wanted to heal from this disorder, then I needed to start taking responsibility.