For a long time I was very proud of the fact that no girl I had attempted to kiss had given me the cheek. I thought that this meant that I was a precision sniper of dating, finely attuned to the subtleties of the male-female dynamic. I knew when girls wanted that first kiss to happen and had been right every time.
I mentioned this to someone and they said something like, "Well, you're probably playing it way too safe then. You've avoided rejection, but you've probably not kissed a bunch of girls who wanted you to kiss them."
The wind was taken out of my sails immediately. I had been looking at it all wrong this whole time. Something I took as a sign of success was actually a sign of a different sort of failure.
If you never fail, you are leaving success on the table. It's comforting to imagine that you are perfect, but perhaps more likely that you aren't pushing far enough past your comfort zone.
Haven't ever failed to close a sale? You aren't pitching enough people. Have always lifted the exact amount of weight attempted? You aren't lifting enough? Haven't ever crashed your car? Okay, maybe you don't need to push everything…
In a world of uncertainty it's difficult to know how much is too much. Are you pushing too much? Not enough? Many paths are paved with failure but lead to a single all-important success. So sometimes when you're failing you should keep going. You only need to marry one person. Your business only needs to leap into profitability once. It's hard to know if you're doomed for failure or if that rare success is right around a corner.
The other end is easier to evaluate, though. If you aren't ever failing, and if an individual failure isn't catastrophic, you're probably not pushing hard enough. Accept the emotional hit of failure, give it a shot anyway, and be comforted by the fact that failure means that you're at least in the right ballpark in terms of moving past your comfort zone. And enjoy the successes you wouldn't have otherwise found.
Photo is from Cha Garden at the Lucky Dragon casino in Las Vegas. It's a brand new tea room that is easily the best in Vegas (and one of the best in the US)
As I've been immersing myself in poker, I've been overwhelmed by the parallels with pickup, in theory, practice, and in my experience as a student.
I'm not sure if this is pure coincidence, my mind trying to find a pattern where there's not one, or a genuine underlying pattern that probably extends to other areas of learning.
Pickup is the only other thing I can think of that I learned rapidly and by immersion. I made it my world for a year or two. As a result, I remember the learning process, whereas something like web development I can't really remember because I've been learning gradually.
Hey, it’s Todd Valentine bringing you fundamentals of seduction.
Today’s topic is on how to kiss a girl. This is a very personal topic for me because for a long time I couldn’t kiss girls—even after months of getting numbers and going on multiple dates. I wouldn’t get physical. I had to get over it, and the first thing I realized is that attitude and permission are most important.
You have to give yourself permission to kiss a girl, to make it awkward . . . to fail. If you’re too scared to try, then you’ll end up in the friend zone. You don’t want to miss the window of getting the kiss, because things will not go well after that.
Here are two examples of the low place I was coming from: