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How I Became a Famous Pickup Artist : Part 1

As far as I was concerned, she was perfect. She was at least as smart as I was, was a dancer and had the body to prove it, and had a smile that could disarm the national guard. Let's call her Julie.

So, like an earthworm stalking it's prey, I put my usual game on her. Since my last flowchart was so popular, I've made another one to show you how I dealt with the ladies back then:

Nedless to say, things went slowly. We hung out nearly every day for the last couple months of our Senior year summer vacation. Like many guys, I was totally oblivious to her attraction for me. One morning Julie came over really early while I was still sleeping, and squeezed into my twin bed with me. I woke up, and assumed that she must be tired - it didn't even occur to me that she might like me. Finally on the last week of that vacation she said to me,

Busy in the Bedroom (book excerpt)

On Mike Dariano

What’s going on behind our bedroom door, wouldn’t you like to know. I’ll tell you, there isn’t much. There are a pair of nightstands covered with medicine cups, hair ties, and tissues. There are some lamps and a television but it isn’t plugged in. There are probably some clothes hanging out of drawers and about two dozen pictures lined up on the floor and leaning against the wall. They look like they’re waiting in line to be hung but the layer of dust on the top of each shows they’ve been waiting a long time. Then, there is our bed.

For the first three years of marriage my wife and I shared a fullsize bed and we were comfortable. I was comfortable because I can sleep through anything, my wife was comfortable because, well I don’t know if she was, let me ask her. No, she was not comfortable. She said a few more things, then threw a look telling me to go no farther in this conversation or she would start throwing actual things. Once she became pregnant she insisted on a new bed. I made the joke that getting a new bed was why she wanted to get pregnant, this was one of the last pregnancy jokes I made and one of the first times I saw that look.

Needing a new bed we ventured to a mattress store which is an odd shopping experience. You go and test out the display beds by laying down on them and getting up and off them. Because we were in a public place I found myself getting on and off these beds like a monk instead of like a drunk. Normally I’ll fall into bed like a robot whose battery just expired and I’ll roll out in the morning like my limbs are being pulled. Not only was I not acting like I normally would, but buying a bed is confusing.

The more beds you test, the less you can remember about each one and forget what your own bed feels like. “Is our bed soft or firm?” you ask your wife. She won’t answer because she only needs you for one things, to carry anything she buys. Eventually we settled on a king size with a pillow top and some mysterious firmness level between grassy earth and cotton ball and placed our order. Our bed was delivered and the first two months were spacious and great, there was so much room. Then my wife became more pregnant and my room in bed began to shrink in proportion to how her belly expanded. My room in the bed has a half life like the atoms the bed is made of, every so many years I get half of what I did before.

As my wife got more pregnant, and beautifully larger, she took up more of the bed. I don’t dare say anything but it’s sometimes like sleeping with a fish, which is where you would find me if I said that to her. She flips and flops and because the baby has no regard for when or where she kicks her, my wife has no regard for when or where she kicks me. She’s a proxy for the baby she tells me. Eventually I learn to weather the storm of kicks and get to sleep but only until our first child arrives.

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