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The Best 2021 Ever

I think a lot about what an outsider would assume about me if they were to get a deep view of me. What would they think my priorities are? Would they think that I will succeed? Would they think I'm a good friend? When the answers to these hypothetical questions is out of line with what I want, I adjust. It's a little hack to get perspective.

Today I found myself asking when that hypothetical observer would assume I was optimizing my life for. Hmmmm...

I think that almost everyone optimizes for the very short term. One day. One week. A month. Maybe a year. Who is really doing things for five years from now? Any of us? The lady across the aisle from me on this plane is drinking a Pepsi Max, eating chocolate, and playing a game on her iPad. When is she optimizing for?

We were all alive in 2011, and back then it wasn't all that easy to imagine 2016. Abstractly we could, but who among us could really feel what it would be like to be alive now?

Maybe I'm the problem

On The Tender Beetle

I'm getting everyone I care about mad or frustrated. I admit I have an attitude problem and it doesn't help when I act defensive about it. I haven't spoken to my dad at all today, I've been locked in my room since we got home, we missed the annual father - daughter baseball games because of my attitude problem. Its starting to hit me now of what a bad person I am. I'm giving up on going to that show two weeks from now. Lately I don't have the will to do things I use to enjoy. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do right now and it's depressing me but what ever the reason is, I'm already starting to feel guilty about it. I just hate how I have to change for people, how I have to deal with people talking down to me, saying that the person I am isn't good enough and so on.

My whole life, I was living up to people's expectation, There were so many times I almost cracked and looked like the crazy one. I really don't know what else to do because everything I want to do is wrong. My whole life was planned out for me, even now as we speak. I can't do anything without hurting anyone I care about.

I can't keep my friends because I'm too much of a bad friend or too much of an introvert. I an't keep my relationship with my boyfriend healthy without hurting him and telling him he's just like everyone else. I can't keep a stable relationship with my parents because I can't out grow my phase of being a metalhead,

At this point, I think I should just give up completely and do what people want from me because that way I won't hurt anyone that I care about

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