Sometimes I would be in my own little world. I remember, as a kid, helping my dad with projects, and he would say that I was oblivious to what was going on around me. He’d be waiting for me to hand him a hammer, but I’d be staring off at something else. And then, around that same time, I took scuba diving lessons. My instructor cautioned me that I was so unaware of my surroundings that I might get into a dangerous situation.
That’s when I became aware that I was oblivious. All that I perceived wasn’t necessarily all that there was. I became more introspective and determined to be more aware of what was going around me. Eventually that pursuit of awareness extended to myself. That was the hard part. It’s easy to make a habit of looking around to see what others are doing and intuit what they need, but it’s a lot harder to become self-aware. The shadow of our egos can hide a lot.
It’s hard to know how you’re perceived, because a true mirror doesn’t exist in others. Their feedback comes warped like a circus mirror, hiding some deficiencies and strengths, while highlighting others. Not being aware of strengths is a handicap, but not being aware of faults is critically dangerous. I’ve seen plenty of people who have no good friends, and it’s all because of how they act. Not integral parts of who they are, but unconscious mannerisms and habits that drive others away.
I once read somewhere that we criticize in others those deficiencies which we share. If I think someone’s annoying and hogs the spotlight, maybe it’s because they’re diverting that spotlight from me. If I don’t like how someone is sarcastic, maybe it’s my own sarcasm that they’re reflecting back.
That idea really stuck with me and became one of my strongest automatic habits. Whenever I find fault in others, which I admit I do on a regular basis, I assume that I also have that fault. Guilty until proven innocent.
Sometimes I can disprove it quickly. Someone annoys me when I’m late, I immediately assume it’s because I’m late all the time, but then I realize that I’ve fixed that and am always on time now. Okay, safe on that one, but stay vigilant for next time.
Other times, though, I realize that I do have that same fault. Besides bringing attention to it, this is an opportunity to really viscerally understand how I make other people feel. Someone talks too much about something no one else cares about, I realize that I do that too sometimes, feel how annoying it is, and let that fuel change.
That’s not to say that these changes are easy or that this is a guaranteed way to wipe out faults. It’s not, but awareness is the first step. Pay attention to how others affect you, assume you affect them in similar ways, and use that realization to fuel change.
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Superhuman by Habit is now available on paperback! Check it out! Again, thank you guys so much for buying and reviewing the book! You should also get the ebook free if you buy the book.
Photo is a room in a building on Deshima, in Japan. It’s where the Portuguese lived when they first landed in Japan. I love the European furniture in a Japanese building.
Just left Vienna and arrived in Prague. Vienna was awesome! Can’t wait to spend more time there.
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