What started out as my exploration of an age-old question: whether total nerds have a chance at snagging highly desired women ripples into a topic that permeates into a thorough exploration of everything regarding the enigma we call 'love' and how it may not be as magical as we first deem it to be.
Reupdate: 3/14/13 Didn't really mean to update on Valentine's Day but there we go. I rescind my 51/49 soul/body split I mentioned in the 3/13 update after responding to Zach's post on Sebastian Marshall's blog http://sebastianmarshall.com/dont-underestimate-biochemistry. I now believe it is a dynamic split that changes based on situation.
Update: 3/13/13 In yet another update of this post's evolution the original question has been staked in the heart by Tynan's latest post Not that kind of person. I am now more convinced than ever that there are no 'pre-sets' in life and the only barriers we put up are the ones of our own making. Not everyone starts on even-footing and some have advantages over others but in the long run for most things we are self-defined. For the longest time I've tackled a deeper philosophical question - is the body a victim of biological processes or are biological processes controlled by the body? (ie can we use willpower alone to induce biological change) Are human personalities just a sum of biochemical reactions or is the human persona a product of the 'soul'? I now believe that we have a lot more power than we give ourselves credit for and even though our bodies and higher aspects (mind/soul) may often conflict with one another ultimately the higher aspects are in control.
Admittedly hormones and such play a big role in our day to day feel/function and have enough weight to throw us off course . Starting out I think we may be a 51/49 split of mind over matter but with self discipline and proper care of the human vessel in my experience that ratio only goes up to pass more control to the higher self.
Update: 9/6/12 Figure I'd clean this up and add in a shortcut to help anyone trapped in the loop of pining for women - most of what is considered "love" doesn't exist just sex. Read the end of this post for the explanation why. Otherwise original post below...
Hey all. I wanted to explore an aspect of pickup that is rarely thought about or mentioned - can even total nerds get the girl? I know they did some sort of TV show on this but I doubt they put the question to rest and just decided to play the media party line and bash nerds instead. Specifically I look to answer the question, "can we have our cake and eat it too?" if you are the type of guy that's orthogonal (perpendicular, totally opposite) to the flow of pickup and the game. In other words - can we have all the benefits of pickup without having to sell ourselves out? Can we 'be ourselves' and get the girl - or must we 'change and improve ourselves' to get her? Most in the pickup realm would say no but I dare push the frontier and challenge this notion!!!
The following blog post will be about pickup obviously but instead of sharing nitty gritty details and tips about how to actually perform in the field I will be exploring the philosophies and concepts that exist behind this 'dark art' and what they entail for nerdlingers in practicality. Besides - if you want tips and tricks /openers / sequences there is an utter wealth of that info on the internet already + workshops. Safe to say, if you have no interest in pickup whatsoever you can safely skip this post from this point onwards. Despite that I encourage anyone here with even a slightest interest in pickup to peruse the contents herein. I hope to break new ground here with all of my type - the very frontiers of pickup. Besides even though this article will focus mostly from my nerdy point of view there may be gems of wisdom in here for all of us in general. All of us want to keep certain aspects of ourselves 'grounded' while tuning the rest to make us more attractive. As man is infinite we now dare ask - can we keep all of our selves and get the girl?
Intro / Background
To start off maybe it would help to understand who I am as a person to get a grasp of why I write the way I do. I'm the kind of person who wants to find the reasons behind everything in hope of synthesizing some universal law that can be used in all situations to yield the most optimal result. Basically a physicist and their obsession with the theory of everything - but I'm not a physicist in manifest - just one by nature. I majored in Comp Sci. way back so I tend to be verbose and thorough (while being able to see the forest for the trees I hope). To elaborate - in an interview with Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata (http://www.1101.com/iwata/2007-08-31.html) regarding the principles he used to help the company succeed he had this to say:
Iwata - There are people who solve problems via symptomatic treatments, of course. Such as "Let's turn down the air conditioner since it's hot", or "I'll drink some water because I'm thirsty". People like this may actually be the majority.......... I don't think it's a matter of coming from the science field. I think it's just the type of person you are. There are those who are satisfied knowing that thirst is the reason for wanting something to drink, and there are those who want to unfold the cause of their thirst.
I'm the type of person that wants to unfold the cause of their thirst. With that I think that just about sums that up. Oh and I also have strong desires to boot :).
From the above though I guess you may have inferred I may not be the totally testosterone laden strong scruffy manly type stereotypically portrayed in past media (media seems to be moving towards the more Michael Cera-ish paradigm ironically). You'll rarely find such deep philosophical musings such as this on Testosterone Nation anyway (except when they deal with lifting then all bets are off!!!). Action people don't look at the why - they focus on the how. Sure not all philosoraptor's are the stereotypical skin-n-bones nerd but stereotypes stick because they are mostly true and with that I carry a number of significant traits which would put me into that 'nerd' category. But hey - nerds have biological needs as well and with that the type will make do with their strongest traits and battle with those. Besides - you don't train Strength on a Wizard :p.
So yeah given who and what I am I have the unique perspective of having to play the worst equipped class at 'the game'. Somewhere deep inside me though unconsciously I guess I always do like a good challenge (and on the surface I'm still in denial). I can pass myself off as a non-nerd but an any inkling of my true self totally gives me away. I'm not as brave as Tynan and I am calculating instead of spontaneous in flesh. In spirit though I may be a bit of a warrior possibly as I always stay true to myself and have lofty goals. In that I feel a certain kinship with Tynan and all of the community here as they have all looked fear in the eye and spat in it's face to live their lives as they wanted. Now it's my turn to step up to the plate.
Can we have our cake and eat it too? Time to explore...
While I cannot speak for anyone besides myself I dare say I know the exact reason you went into pickup in the first place. It's very simple and obvious really - boy wants girl - boy doesn't get girl - boy wonders how to get girl next time or get another girl. To elaborate on this point though the mindset I had pre-game and post-game was like night and day. You see before the 'dawn of game' I lived in a sort of dark ages (churning butter kind of existence) where women were just the end result of fickle strokes of luck by fate. Women were completely random! You'd just be living your life and if fate conspired you'd meet another woman you were attracted to. At this point you'd go all-in and hope that she liked you back. If she did - you scored the *jackpot* - and if you didn't - you just lost your one and only chance and another may not come along.... ever! With a mindset like this we can see why most men have the creepy neediness / desperation to them coupled with the urge of over-pedastalization of women. If one believes women are just a result of fate and the crossing of stars then one is faced with the feelings of having no control and continually being at the mercy of a cruel and indifferent world. Thus we are helpless and fight for whatever scraps land off the table - always preciously holding on because we never know if they may be our last meal. The few scraps that land to a starving man are *always* overly appreciated and overly valued by their relative rarity.
With the 'dawn of game' I learned that life was not an unfortunate set of circumstances without rhyme or reason. There lay certain causes to initiate certain effects. Specifically the things we can do to attract women to us. Walk confidently, move slowly, look at her without staring, breathe deeply, smile, talk about your goals, mine her topics, tell a story, escalate, kino, time compress, move in, break last minute resistance etc etc etc ad nauseum... The effects: women giving us attention, women reciprocating our advances, women becoming interseted in us, women having sex with us, women falling in love with us, etc... Life is suddenly figurable with the knowledge of game. Men have spent many countless hours mapping the cause and effects of whatever actions they took during a night out that fill the bulk of lay reports and forum posts. It's like a human genome project - but for pickup!!! Finding the exact sequences of actions we can take to get the fairly predictable result of having a woman. With this many are satisfied but to me this is a hollow victory at best. Besides it's not guaranteed to work 100% of the time and just as Murphy's law predicts it never works on THAT girl we really want.
The Cause Behind Cause
A few people: bored, curious, unsuccessful, or disillusioned with their massive success with women delved to find the causes behind why game and pickup works. Evolutionary biology was scoured mercilessly for the answers. It is to ensure the strongest genes get passed on for each generation, it's to truly infer the reproductive value of a man, it's to ensure your sperm is passed on and your opponent's isn't (killer sperm theory), it's the reason many daughters have the shape of their dad's face to accurately assess paternity... From their findings all of game hoped to replicate the traits and actions of the so called 'alpha' male - the one all females were attracted to. By replicating the 'alpha' male one would unlock all keys and mysteries to women forevermore. Thus the new gold rush started while everyone tried to deconstruct the Alpha and rebuild him from scratch. But there was something missing and Pook (his consciousness raising book here) was the first one to bring that concept to light. Why do we try to reinvent the wheel and replicate an Alpha male rather than finding out the core traits that define Alpha males and adopt those (thus becoming Alpha ourselves)? Besides it was obvious by now that it was too mentally taxing to remember to tuck in your gut and project your voice and not lean in at more than certain degrees of angles (while having to memorize your set of 14 stories) when talking to a woman you are interested in. The key was sheer masculinity. Everything made sense now except...
Only for the lucky ones
Masculinity is a great thing if you're one of those highly polarized manly-men. If you're not though how do you unify your biological desires with the core of your being? The game is setup for only certain types of people to win. As Sun Tzu stated in his art of war most battles are won before they are even fought. With that nerds fight the uphill battle all the way through just to lose in the end. We now know the exact formula to get women as a nerd - sell your soul, change yourself, and be everything you are not!
My research of game and the tenets behind it helped me unlock the holy grail of pickup - masculinity (see Pook's book for *elaborate( details). Is this the end though? This can't possibly be the end in my mind because if it is then it infers that nerds are biologically faulty - a disease if you will. I won't deny and say this cannot be true - it may in fact be the truth - but if so this has heavy reprucussions on all of our lives. It implies there is only one true path to victory and that alphas should rule the world forevermore as many on other pickup sites strongly espouse. Honestly I wouldn't want to live in a world though where everyone is constantly trying to one up one another and focuses only on the animalistic portions of the human existence.
Genders are shifting rapidly as well - basically men are becoming more like women and women are becoming more like men. If love and sexuality are indeed solely tied to biological polarity of genders then love and sexuality are not sacred but a farce! This is because if love/sex depend on biological polarity, and genders become less polar and more unified as they become more alike, then love/sex become obsolete. Thus pickup is a waste of time as you are hedging your bets on a quickly deprecating concept. Love and sex are nothing but biological animal urges and command no respect in the realm of soul. This doesn't feel right either.
Maybe there is the 3rd way - can we just be ourselves the way we are (even if everything we are is unattractive to women) and still get the girl?
The grand fantasy of pickup is one in which any man can have any girl they desire (usually coupled with not having to put in the work to be 'a better person' or change ourselves). 'She'll like me for who I am' is the rallying cry for many men everywhere who are waiting for that special someone (usually a fantasy that cannot fit a real life ideal). The mainstream pickup community believes that the right to 'be yourself' is a myth though. For example David Deangelo espouses, if I interpreted correctly, that you must first earn the right to 'be yourself' by fulfilling some expected prerequisites of manliness set by society. Pook also stated in his book that 'being yourself' was just a mask to hide and justify mediocrity. One entire chapter in the book of Pook is actually dedicated solely to how women and men treated him differently as he went from a skinny person to a muscular adonis. Those statements are easily verifiable and the logic of them cannot be denied but if mediocrity were so bad then why do many people stick with it? No one consciously desires to be mediocre (assumption there). If one is getting their hand burned they do not keep it on the stove. I argue they must be happy in one form or another as people who are unhappy usually take action to remedy their ills. America in general (being a quick fix pharmaceutical culture) views pickup as the new 'drug' of sorts to cure their ills with women. No longer do I have to put in the work to exercise, culture, improve myself etc... I can just learn a bunch of quicky pickup lines and stories in my spare time and seduce any woman I want! I read an ebook and in 5 minutes I go for average joe to Don Juan. This works alright if you're only looking for animalistic satisfaction but one can only keep the Wizard of Oz projected for so long if you're looking for a real relationship. Besides if one is only into the physical aspect of sex there are businesses that cater to that and women who are likewise only looking into the same carnal things. I aim to aim higher with this. Here is the grand question:
Is pickup alone enough to attract 'the one'? (in detail: Can pickup alone be used by a man to sink hooks into a woman - similarly to how a woman sink hooks into a man? [Once the hooks are sunk then it seems like a lot of the superficiality of a relationship seems to vanish into thin air like obsession with looks, status, finances, etc... to be transmuted to this mystical concept of love])
ps: One of the most effective draws I've seen to lure people into pickup are testimonials in which overweight, old, unattractive, and everyday indecisive men who are horrible with women start landing numbers and dates with women way out of their leagues. Is this realistic in practice or is it just marketing? I want to believe this is possible but please convince me otherwise. Everyone else has failed thus far.
Why me? Why us? Why Tynan Community Forums?
In the entirety of the internet there are probably better places to post this 'state of the nation' rather than Tynan's community forums. So why did I pick you guys to unload this monstrosity? It is because I believe in this community and what they stand for. To take the dust of life and shape it into manifest reality takes a certain type of person. A certain type of clarity and purity. A certain type that can think outside the box and judge more clearly than one clouded by their own fears and insecurities. The shephard does not ask the sheep for answers. Einstein nailed it when he said, " No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Anywhere else this may devolve into a flame and troll fest and I it may happen here. I may feel guilt everlasting for bringing the tides of darkness to these shores. It may be the end for me personally but I've hung around here long enough to think those maligned types of people just can't stand in the presence of the ones around here. It is as Steve Pavlina stated before - being around highly conscious reminds mediocre people how much of their soul they've given up - and they can't stand to face the truth.
Update 9/6/12 - Why I stopped caring about women (The Red Pill)
ago I posted this to try and figure out essentially if non-physical non-sexual attributes alone can make a woman sexually attracted to you. They cannot. My first milestone of clarity came after posting a response to Prestojx inhttp://tynan.com/thirty
regarding his experiences with women, marriage, and life in general. He claims there is no happiness in marriage and women we pine for eventually become 'reality' and our exalted image of them is broken. From there I realized that my big mistake was not realizing I was a sexual being since I wanted a sexual relationship with a woman (but didn't realize it as sexual back then). I realized this because when I wanted to move from friendship to more than friends I got rejected and in turn burnt the bridge completely. Given the only thing that has changed was my moving of context from a non-sexual one (friends) to sexual (more than friends) I realized the main determinant of my falling in/out of love was purely sex.
She always told me nothing changed about her during that time - it was me who changed - and only recently have I realized she was right. Thus the big mistake a lot of men make in regards to women is the failure to understand that both men and women have both a normal and sexual aspect. For myself and I assume for a lot of men in the past there is no concept of seperation between the 'self' and the 'sexual self' - thus if one gets rejected sexually - it becomes a personal rejection as well. Women are much more in-tune subconsciously of their dual-faceted nature of having both a normal and sexual aspect - thus they have clearly defined seperations between men they want to have as friends and men they want to have sex with. This is why women are confusing to many men - why they seem to want the nice guy but have sex with the jerk. Every woman is essentially 2 beings with distinct needs - one with needs of normal friendship / companionship and one with needs of raw passionate sex. To get the best of both worlds you need to please both aspects of the female dichotomy - be a great guy AND be a sexy guy. Thus we explain the women's love for the 'bad boy with a heart' as Pook describes. This man satisfies both natures of the female.
This also explains why moving from a friendship context to a sexual context as Tynan describes is the best way to get out of friendzone. It is because we are satisfying BOTH natures of the female now - not just one.
Going back to men - there is an almost puritan denial in America of the aspect of male sexuality. Google it up (male sexuality, what makes a man sexy, etc...) and you'll find total and utter crap. Male sexuality has been suppressed and thus men growing up have no notion of their normal and sexual selves. They only see a normal self and thus when they become sexually attracted to a woman this becomes falsely labelled as 'love'. Men are not really in love with this woman though - they are in 'sex' with her - meaning they are SOLELY sexually attracted to her but cannot realize this because their normal and sexual selves are intertwined into just the normal self. Because of this lack of separation and no concept of our sexual nature we have this thing called Pickup and these long winded philosophical posts such as this one. We try being nice to the woman, we try using pickup lines and stories and techniques, we try alpha this alpha that, and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't so it gets packed into lay reports which are like scientific observations for other fellow pickup scientist to pick apart and try to find what works. The main ingredient they are trying to distill is sexuality - the seperation of the normal and sexual selves. The techniques that work are the aspects of solely the sexual nature of man. Once we men realize that we too both have a normal self (that as we see ourselves now) and a sexual self (that part of us which likes others solely because of how they look) can we shatter the illusions that we need women in our lives.
In all practicality then what does this imply? For men to get the women you need to be sexy, and the answer was under our noses (literally) the entire time. We have cliches like 'men like looks women like personalities' - they are half truths. What makes a man sexy is the EXACT SAME THING that makes a woman sexy - looks. Looks looks looks looks looks. Physical looks - such as muscles et al. How did I derive this? Last I thought 'masculinity' was the key aspect that made a man sexy but one very special exception destroyed that theory. Homosexual men. Women fall in love with their homosexual male friends all the time. The thing is - homosexual men are rarely the pinnacles of masculinity - if not the opposite. Thus it can't be solely masculinity which wins the hearts of women as women are passing by their straight friends to fall in love with their homosexual ones all the time. So what aspect then is shared by masculine men and homosexual men? Looks. Both the outdoorsman bad boy type and the homosexual place looks at their prime and work out a lot to maintain a certain look. Thus these two have a sexual component to them - one in which the typical man is not even aware of existing. Thus women gravitate towards who is sexiest. Given the choice between a homosexual sexy man and a masculine sexy man I dare say the masculine will win out - but why?
Earlier on I said 'men like looks women like personalities' as half truth - we went over why it was half false earlier and now we will go over why it is half true. The main purpose of sexuality and sex is reproduction so it goes to show that the sexual drive will be strongest with those you can reproduce with. Reproduction requires a union of opposite physical sexes thus the more polarized (meaning the more manly/feminine) a person is the stronger the drive will be to mate with them. Thus women, given a choice between 2 equally sexy men, will pick the one with the more masculine personality as that component increases his manliness - his polarity of being opposite to her - making him more desirable to have sex with. Thus we now see personality DOES come into play in attraction - but ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE SATISFIED THE SEXUAL ASPECT. Being sexual is the ice cream and having a great personality is the cherry on top. Just as men will go out with sexy women of questionable personality (commonly termed bitches) women will go out with sexy men of questionable personality (commonly termed jerks). For the math inclined attractiveness to the opposite sex can be defined by this formula:
S = sexiness
P = personality
Attraction = S*(S+P)
If you make S=0 no amount of P will spark any attraction
If you make S > 0 then any amount of P > 0 may spark attraction (though higher levels of P will have multiplicative effects on your success!)
If you're a man and you have no concept of your sexual aspect then your S is most likely 0. This is how many men delude themselves and without regards for their sexiness go into pickup trying to maximize their personalities (P) with dominance and stories and still end up empty handed. Sure you'll hear stories about it working every once in a while but how successful are they? The pickup community has no notion of the Sexual (S) aspect of pickup so they cannot seperate whether the guy was even mildly attractive or not when he successfully closed. My guess is a lot of closes are due to them having at least some aspect of S. If they want to prove me wrong I want to see common documented repeated consistent occurrences of grossly obese men scoring left and right with their personalities alone. I tried this approach first hand - I had an (S) hovering around 0 due to just not working out or giving regards to looks and tried to maximize (P) and got absolutely nowhere. It's all looks - go to the gym - get a nice body - a sexual body - and your success will skyrocket.
Now we go full circle - can nerds get the girl? Yes - if they are sexy. No - if they are not. So simple life is and yet without knowledge of the truth how complicated it can become.
With this realization I hope the entirety of the pickup universe implodes on itself and gets sucked back into the black hole from whence it came. With pining over the opposite sex out of the way we can finally use our energies to tackle the things that truly matter. Also, in what could be my biggest admonishment yet, those who pine profusely over the opposite sex and speak endlessly of love/romance I think of you as less than human - because - romantic love doesn't exist - only sex. Thus what you pine for is not the higher state of consciousness termed 'love' but the basal human emotion of 'sex'. Like those obsessed with things of little grand importance in the human spectrum the obsession with sex is on the same level with addiction to food, alcohol, drugs, etc... If my admonishment sounds unduly harsh it is only because I've been there for a long time and I am only admonishing myself. Myself - for being so stupid and naive all these years...
Closing note: I don't really wish the end of pickup, it has its uses, especially in maximizing personality. My only wish was they warned everyone before reading any of the material that you had to work on your looks first. There are warnings but they are usually 1 or 2 liners in passing (oh yeah you gotta work on your looks, go to the gym, don't be fat etc...). The emphasis of looking good and healthy should be of prime concern and make up a good 50% of the material before the endless pages of stories and mental exercises. Maybe if we just prepended a workout book with an additionally prepended few chapters such as this of why looks are important to any pickup book we'd be good to go :D.
Afterthoughts: The energetic importance of sex
Sex has the power to change. Napoleon Hill speaks highly of the sexual energy in 'Think and Grow Rich'. In retrospect what I said about sex earlier referred to the basal use of sex just for pleasure. I agree with Napoleon Hill though on the grounds that sexual energy transmuted - sexual energy used not solely for temporary pleasure but to power one's everyday actions is a power we should hold much reverence for.