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How to Be Happy. Always.

Ok folks... I'm gonna break it down for you Dr. Phil style today, and talk about happiness.

Now, first of all - I don't see why happiness is always priority number one. "Do whatever makes you happy", they say. "Yeah, but is she HAPPY?". Who says this is the holy grail? Personally, I think giving Tynan presents should be the end goal. "Do whatever makes Tynan get more presents" and "Yeah, but is she giving Tynan presents?" both sound pretty sweet to me.

But we live in a world where happiness is number one. They don't ask if happiness makes you money, but if money makes you happy. So, let's get happy.

Dating in NYC

On Twenty Five to Life

I have a second job, and it's being a single man in New York. This city is an excellent mating market. There are many young women, tons of great date spots and easy ways to get there. You'd be a fool not to put some real hours into dating. The guys in god-forsaken Indiana don't have a tenth of the opportunities that we do, so you should feel bad squandering them.

The city's dating scene runs on dating apps, which makes being physically attractive i.e. a combination of tall, dark but not too dark, and handsome even more important to get your foot in the door. It's not politically correct that being white helps your odds tremendously, but the data from OKCupid is public and loud (see Dataclysm by OKCupid founder Christian Rudder and Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari yeah i cite my sources). In my experience, Tinder has the hottest girls, Coffee Meets Bagel has the best system, and OKCupid is the most time-consuming. If you don't have at least two of the aforementioned attributes, you should get your fat ugly ass off Tinder and into a gym. You have a chance on OKCupid if you're witty, but mobile apps are swipe-at-first-glance, so leave 'em for the pretty boys. Regarding wit, that gets you a shot anywhere quiet enough to have a conversation. Lord knows nobody's ever looked at my pictures and thought, "That's a guy who I'd like inside me," and my results reflect that hard truth. OKCupid and PlentyOfFish have worked for me in the past, but only after a lot of time and effort. I've dropped them both for Coffee Meets Bagel and spend so much less time typing. The people I meet aren't nearly as hot as the ones on Tinder, but neither am I, so it's perfect. Speaking of Tinder, the only matches it gets me are trannies and overweight black women.

Where to Go

The ideal locations are 'back to her place' or 'inside her', but you got to work the cards you're dealt. I wear gold-digger repellent also known as being poor so steak dinners at Morton's is out of the question. Dinner is too formal for a first date anyway, save it for the third. Second if you think it'll be the straw that breaks the camel's chastity belt.

Happy Hour is the best, and I don't even like drinking. Not only does it offer you the most options in terms of location, day of the week, price point, and atmosphere, but it also involves ingesting a toxin that makes you more likely to get laid, and her more likely to develop cancer in case you end up in a sexless dead-end marriage. What could beat that? Happy hour specials go from $2-8 a drink, though it’s harder to find one past 6pm or on weekends. These are the places I most frequently take girls -

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