hide

Read Next

The Voice Box

I wasn't going to write this story because I think it was a super crappy thing for me to do and I'm not particularly proud of it. Then I told the story to a friend the other day and cracked up so much that I realized I had to write it.

Many years ago, when I was still in college, I was perhaps even more prone to prankery than I am now. I sat at a friends house, bored, playing with the stupid utilities that came with all Macintosh computers. One of them was the text to speech application. After the obligatory profanities, I got down to business. I called Pizza Hut and tried to type fast enough to carry on a conversation. It wasn't quite doable. The clerk on the other end got frustrated and eventually, with an air of resignation, said, "Ma'am (it was a woman's voice on the program), do you just want a pizza for free?".

I cackled with glee (not synthesized) and gave a phony address. My friends and I laughed and rejoiced until we realized that our trophy was sent to someone else's house. Then we felt cheated.

Sluttiest Mome of 2012

On The Best of Sett

On my last day in Taiwan, I woke up next to Kate in a vacant apartment, our hairless bodies like two shrimp marinading in a pool of ejaculate. I was already packed up, so I put on my gay little shorts and left for the airport with Brett. On the plane I hit it off with the Taiwanese businesswoman I was sitting next to and she agreed to get dinner with me at six. She was only there for three days so I gave her my number and got a room at Dongdaemun Hostel. I showered the morning cum off, put on the nicest clothes I had with me and waited for six to come.

The date flat-lined and there was nothing I could do to save it, so I called it at six forty. However, since I wasn't expecting to pull this off anyway because she saw my age when I was filling out my arrival card. As a hedge, I had arranged another date at eight with the Korean exchange student I met in Taiwan who had returned to Seoul the day before.

I met Exchange Student at a subway exit and took her out for Uzbek food and Russian beer. Her English was better than either of our Korean or Chinese, so we had a good time eating honeycake, and I brought her back to my room. For safe sex, it was quite violent. I didn't walk her out of the hostel, which she pointed out to me through Kakaotalk a few minutes later, and might be why she never had sex with me again.

I enjoy doing chivalrous things like holding open doors, walking girls to the door, and aiming my piss stream away from their hair, but the reason I didn't do it this time was because as I was leaving for our date, I asked the receptionist if she was free after work, and she was. I asked her if she wanted to get a drink with me, and she did. I couldn't risk having her see us leave together (I didn't see her when we came in). Exchange student left my room five minutes before Receptionist's shift ended. I washed cum off myself for the second time that day.

I met the receptionist at the reception desk and took her out for Uzbek food and Russian beer. Her English was better than either of our Korean or Spanish, so we had a good time eating meat pastries, and I brought her back to her room. My stealthy human trafficking of Exchange Student was all for naught, as Receptionist saw us walking in together on the security camera. She asked, but through a smile, and only after a couple beers. It was just to make sure I didn't have a girlfriend. Later that night I washed cum off myself for the third time.

Rendering New Theme...